The Conspiracy Theory Pt.1

Drama is interesting, underdog stories are exciting, and both are staples of the Turkish imagination. But combine the two into a tenuous conspiracy pitting an evil authority against an innocent population and you’ll win over Turkish minds.

For those who have never heard of John F. Kennedy or the Jews, conspiracy theories argue that evil clandestine networks manipulate the lives of everyday people, and it is only the theorist who can uncover them, or at least rant angrily about them on the internet.

So secretive are these networks and so intricate their plots, one cannot actually prove they don’t exist; and Turks just can’t resist the certainty of being right with the inability to be proven wrong.

Seeking ulterior motives behind minor details is a pastime in the mid-east; the region was once run by the Byzantine Empire, a word that has become synonymous with elaborate scheming and intrigue.

While Turks enjoy some of the world’s more popular conspiracy theories, like Freemasons or how America controls everything, there are quite a few evil networks indigenous to Turkey.

In this installment, let us introduce some of the most popular religious conspiracies:

• Sabbataists: Sabbatai Zevi amassed many followers as the Jewish Messiah in the 17th century Ottoman Empire until he converted to Islam under the Sultan’s ‘produce a miracle, die, or accept Islam’ policy towards prophets. Some contend his followers didn’t really convert but instead continued their lifestyles underground. Now these “ex-Jews” control everything in Turkey and yet we still keep disappointing our mothers.
• Missionaries: “Covering Turkey like a spider’s web,” Christian missionaries trick and bribe Muslims to take over (link Turkish) Anatolia for Christendom, most likely because Christians are running out of space in their own countries what with all the Muslim immigration.
• Fettulahists: Turkish Muslim leader Fettullah Gülen runs a vast international network of followers who have infiltrated every institution in Turkey. These followers are all sleeper agents waiting to topple the secular republic and establish Islamic rule the second Fettullah issues the order, probably from an island shaped like a skull. His occasional sermon preaching “you must move in the arteries of the system without anyone noticing your existence until you reach all the power centers…” doesn’t calm suspicions, especially since he delivers them while laughing diabolically and stroking a cat.

With so many secret plots to destroy Turkey, our only option is to call James Bond, if only the British weren’t trying to secretly take over Turkey as well.