The Military Service

Some armies secure the interests of their citizens, others stage colorful coups (South America), sell multi-function knives (Switzerland) or even provide Americans with jokes (France), but all armies serve their country. Turkey, on the other hand, serves its army.

In fact, the Turks have had an army (est. 209 BC [link Turkish]) far before a country (est. 1923 AD or, if you count the Ottomans, 1299 AD), and the Turkish army likes to remind everyone who exactly established the republic (they did), why the army is so great (guns) and how some words just hurt their feelings (insulting the army is a crime).

Past military victories are a source of pride and proof of manliness (the archaic Turkic word for weapon, yarak, is now slang for penis in what Freud calls “a field day”). Defeats are brushed aside in the manliest way possible, with one 18th century document arguing, “The superior skill of the Austrian lies only in the use of the musket. They cannot face the sword.” Today’s more ‘enlightened’ grunt consoles himself knowing he could ‘take on America’ if they ‘used guns’ instead of ‘sticking to the skies’ like ‘cowards.’

But pride in the army never kept Turkish men from avoiding obligatory military service as long as possible; it is seen as one of those chores to “get out of the way” like paying taxes or feeding the baby that if you don’t do, guys in uniforms come and punch you.

It is possible to postpone conscription by enrolling in graduate studies (men here collect half-finished graduate degrees like stamps) or going to jail. You can also prevent conscription altogether by having a terminal illness, like homosexuality, as the dying and the gay aren’t “real” men (Though the mentally disabled are conscripted for a day amidst fanfare lest they feel “less than a man” or, God forbid, like a woman).

But eventually most men, fresh out of prison or their third masters program, will go on to serve their country where they will don uniforms, swear in, and immediately begin counting down days and complaining.

In fact, as few actually see combat, the main activity on base is complaining, followed by smoking cigarettes, eating sunflower seeds, picking cigarette butts off the ground, cleaning toilets, sweeping sunflower shells under artillery, wiping windows, carrying stuff, etc.

But Turkey has a reason behind spending billions each year on an army of janitors: the military is the final destination in a Turkish male’s education. There he learns that no matter who he is and what he accomplishes in life, he will always be a soldier first and a citizen second… and also to bring swords in case there are any Austrians hanging around.

The Double Think

Turks have developed many skills to get through day-to-day life: from dodging cars to swerving to avoid pedestrians, none have been as useful as doublethink, a phrase coined by George Orwell in the novel 1984:

“The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.”

Doublethink is the preferred means of ensuring you win every argument; while it is easy to learn, it is very difficult to master. Below is a guide to what is and what isn’t doublethink:

• You are the leader of a country that has denied allegations of genocide for decades. You have personally presided over the country’s dismissal of Canadian, French and American charges of genocide.

Then you hear of a Chinese crackdown on a minority that shares common ancestry with your citizens.

Regularthink: Avoid bringing up the complicated relationship between a state and its minorities, but cater to both Chinese economic interests and domestic nationalism by purchasing Moo Shu pork and smashing it with a locally-made hammer.

Doublethink: Declare the affair tantamount to “genocide;” a phrase that has ironically become as common a political pander in your country as sex is in the West (see right).

• You have campaigned for greater international involvement in ending the conflict in Gaza, a cause you feel so passionately about you have accused the Israeli president of “knowing how to kill well.”

Meanwhile, the International Criminal Court issues an arrest warrant over genocide for Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir.

Regularthink: Avoid putting your recent investments in Sudan at risk by denying you have ever heard of the country and if anyone brings it up, change the topic to how well the Israeli president kills.

Doublethink: Disregard international consensus and invite Bashir, giving him the red carpet treatment.

• Inter-ethnic violence in Cyprus resulted in your country invading in 1974 to assist Cypriots of your own ethnicity in establishing their own state on the grounds all people have a right to govern themselves to escape oppression.

Meanwhile, your country has engaged in armed conflict for the past thirty years with Kurdish separatists demanding their own state.

Regularthink: It pretty much “sucks to be Kurdish.”

Doublethink: Disregard Kurdish concerns on the grounds that sovereign nations cannot be broken up and divided.

Turkish foreign policy might seem opportunistic to those who think, but it sure makes sense to those of us who are able to think double.

The Summer Resort

Good Turks find random excuses to spend sunny days outside, better ones summer by the sea.

The southwest is dotted with coastal towns catering to Turks’ desire for sun, sea and incessant need to talk about how great the sun and sea are/were/will be. So popular are vacations down south, major cities empty out as those with disposable income flock to the holiday towns.

Turks begin sharing their need for a vacation with coworkers, neighbors, supermarket staff and anyone else in earshot in increasingly impatient terms weeks before departure. Once the date arrives, they head south and almost immediately run out of money as resort town taxis charge ridiculous fares to make up for getting business only 3 months a year.

Vacations are either taken with a group of friends/relatives at someone’s house or, for those unfortunate enough to not have befriended a Turk with a summer home, hotels/hostels. The Turks who themselves own homes in a resort develop a zealous loyalty to the particular town others normally reservefor firstborns and religions. They'll eventually invite you as long as you make sure to nod approvingly as they talk about the greatness of their beaches and nightlife.

Another popular summer activity is making fun of the tourists who frequent these summer resorts (while simultaneously boasting about how frequently visited Turkey is: over 26 million in 2008!!!). With a Mediterranean climate but still significantly cheaper than more well-known southern European hotspots, Turkey has become a popular destination for the “budget-conscious” traveler, tourism-speak for “obnoxious” traveler or “Euro-trash” for short.

While some visit Turkey quietly, like the Japanese who stick to taking pictures next to historic rubble or the Israelis who aren't around anymore after we insulted their President, others just shame their countrymen: the British, Germans or Russians (Americans, while embarrassing enough, tend not to visit much as they are unsure whether Turkey is a bird or an Islamic theocracy).

Just bring up how the Brits are pasty, drunk, loud and covered tattoos, how the Germans are pasty, drunk and don’t know English, or how the Russians are pasty, drunk and tacky (and with karaoke that kills local plant-life), and you’ll have made new Turkish friends in no time.

Just make sure to ask if they have a summer home first.

The Gay Right

Turkish machismo has been well-documented from Pope-shootings to football stabbings, dangerous seductions and even internet memes; masculinity is one of the defining characteristics of Turkey, a little behind camels but before Camel cigarettes (though neither are Turkish).

Here, ‘manliness’ is next to ‘godliness’ (more so than cleanliness) and renouncing masculinity is a shameful act dared only by the lowest rungs of the social ladder: women, your rival football team’s fans, and homosexuals.

The gay community* has it particularly rough, with 76 percent public disapproval, homosexuals discouraged from working in fields outside of fashion or entertainment, gay rights groups threatened, and the easiest way out of compulsory military service being a boyfriend.

The best efforts of the gay community (including annual awards [link Turkish] given to the most homophobic people, institutions, television programs and Popes) have not been enough to shift Turkish sympathies, eliciting much criticism from the West.

But Turkey is not as gay-intolerant as many outside observers claim, and can actually be a very inadvertently gay-friendly destination:

• Turkey boasts a long tradition of ambiguously gay pop-singers, disastrously-aged divas and even famous transsexuals who get into public spats with the army.
• Speaking of music, most modern Turkish pop consists of the same repetitive electronic dance music popular in gay clubs and Europe.
• Most Turkish men prefer socializing with men over women; they spend all day sitting in smoky all-male cafes, drink raki with large groups of men, walk down the street arm-in-arm with their buddies, beat up anyone who questions their masculinity with other men, etc.
• 
  Turkey has lots and lots of ancient Greek ruins; everyone knows what went on in them back in the day.
• As a peninsula Turkey has many beaches, some of which still tolerate Speedos.
• It’s not really gay if you are on top, and definitely not if you didn’t know she had a penis.
• This has been our national sport for nearly seven centuries:

This past weekend was the 648^th annual Kırkpınar oil wrestling finals. Men cover themselves in olive oil, push and reach in each others’ pants to subdue their opponent. For some reason, only foreigners seem to notice the homo-eroticism.

Really, Turks have no problem how “gay” the culture is, just as long as nobody calls it “gay.”

* “Gay community” here refers to homosexual males; lesbians don’t count as they are shamed enough being born women.

The Politically Incorrect

Turkey is the land where political correctness comes to die; where stereotypes roam the streets committing stereotypical acts that make non-stereotypes blush.

Bear in mind, political incorrectness is different than hate speech: instead of inciting violence against a particular group, it serves to remind everyone why that group can’t seem to do anything right.

For a population whose desire to be accepted by Europe is hindered by Europeans’ own prejudices, Turkish insensitivity might seem ironic. It is not that Turkish insensitivity is universal: a pop star was once taken to court for popping a balloon bearing a Turkish flag by an overly concerned citizen (link Turkish).

But the tolerance and respect afforded balloons is often lost on many non-Turks, at least according to the European Commission against Racism and Intolerance’s Third Report on Turkey:

“...intolerant remarks are sometimes made in public, including by political leaders and prominent public figures. The targets of these remarks vary according to the circumstances but recently, Armenians, Jews, Greeks and Kurds have attracted intolerant comments…”

Jewish cowardice, Christian horniness, Kurdish backwardness or Arabic stupidity come up often in day-to-day phrases, but one doesn't create international controversy by limiting oneself to making just your own minorities feel uncomfortable.

No, Turkey has had to branch out, from films about Chinese investors who stir up small towns to black footballers (or people of African decent in general) who supposedly practice cannibalism, or even this video of an announcer taking the Turkish phrase “isteyenin bir yüzü, vermeyenin iki yüzü kara” (Asking darkens ones face once, not giving darkens it twice) a bit too far:

The reporter here is calling for mutual respect from Obama. In his defense, Turkey never had the complicated white-black relations of the West, so blackface is not seen as offensive; at least until the second video where he eats fried chicken and watermelon.

Of course, political correctness is often criticized in the West for hindering free speech, and if anything, Turks prove daily they are the freest speakers of all.

The Lion's Milk

From “beer” in Germany and “sake” in Japan to “mouthwash” in prison, many cultures have their own unique drink. In Turkey it is raki; colloquially known as lion’s milk because it not only puts hair on your chest, but is also a reason for sleeping 18 hours a day while your wife catches food.

Raki is a strong spirit that is usually mixed with water turning it white (hence the “milk”). Pretty much identical to Greek Ouzo or Arabic Arak, it tastes of licorice, and based on how one feels about the candy, people either love or hate the drink.

Raki is meant to be enjoyed socially, and while every society has its own drinking etiquette (though most limit theirs to basics like “don’t throw up on the bartender” and “do complain loudly to strangers about your girlfriend”), Turkish raki etiquette takes it a step further by incorporating three essential elements: meze (appetizers), drunken singing and increasingly passionate debates.

Meze

Raki usually accompanies meze: appetizers picked from amongst a large selection that will fill you up long before the main course arrives. To best enjoy the dips and small morsels, discuss casual topics everyone agrees with, from complaining about “the weather” to complaining about “traffic.”

Singing

Raki will induce singing from amongst the Turkish repertoire of songs about love, or longing, or desire or sorrow. They will be sung in a manner to induce melancholy in everyone in at least a three table radius, preferably more.

When drinking raki in public, roaming bands of gypsies will wander tables for tips using their violins/accordions/clarinets to encourage amateur virtuosos. Between bouts of singing, it is best to bring up more involved but still agreeable topics like “how Turkey has changed” and “how you are about to quit your awful job and move to the beach.”

Debate

Eventually, all raki conversations will devolve into a shouting match about politics. Speakers take turns orating “How the country is going down the drain,” “How politicians are idiots” as well as their “solutions,” all to an audience waiting for their turn to speak.

Everyone calmly nods in approval until either the speaker finishes or until they hear something they disagree with. Eventually someone will proclaim “it’s all about education” and everyone, having found a point of agreement, will head home.

Any other way, and you might as well be drinking ouzo.