The Military Service

Some armies secure the interests of their citizens, others stage colorful coups (South America), sell multi-function knives (Switzerland) or even provide Americans with jokes (France), but all armies serve their country. Turkey, on the other hand, serves its army.

In fact, the Turks have had an army (est. 209 BC [link Turkish]) far before a country (est. 1923 AD or, if you count the Ottomans, 1299 AD), and the Turkish army likes to remind everyone who exactly established the republic (they did), why the army is so great (guns) and how some words just hurt their feelings (insulting the army is a crime).

Past military victories are a source of pride and proof of manliness (the archaic Turkic word for weapon, yarak, is now slang for penis in what Freud calls “a field day”). Defeats are brushed aside in the manliest way possible, with one 18th century document arguing, “The superior skill of the Austrian lies only in the use of the musket. They cannot face the sword.” Today’s more ‘enlightened’ grunt consoles himself knowing he could ‘take on America’ if they ‘used guns’ instead of ‘sticking to the skies’ like ‘cowards.’

But pride in the army never kept Turkish men from avoiding obligatory military service as long as possible; it is seen as one of those chores to “get out of the way” like paying taxes or feeding the baby that if you don’t do, guys in uniforms come and punch you.

It is possible to postpone conscription by enrolling in graduate studies (men here collect half-finished graduate degrees like stamps) or going to jail. You can also prevent conscription altogether by having a terminal illness, like homosexuality, as the dying and the gay aren’t “real” men (Though the mentally disabled are conscripted for a day amidst fanfare lest they feel “less than a man” or, God forbid, like a woman).

But eventually most men, fresh out of prison or their third masters program, will go on to serve their country where they will don uniforms, swear in, and immediately begin counting down days and complaining.

In fact, as few actually see combat, the main activity on base is complaining, followed by smoking cigarettes, eating sunflower seeds, picking cigarette butts off the ground, cleaning toilets, sweeping sunflower shells under artillery, wiping windows, carrying stuff, etc.

But Turkey has a reason behind spending billions each year on an army of janitors: the military is the final destination in a Turkish male’s education. There he learns that no matter who he is and what he accomplishes in life, he will always be a soldier first and a citizen second… and also to bring swords in case there are any Austrians hanging around.