The Israeli Divorce

Some relationships are born of epic romance (when did it become Trinidad and Tobago?), others are the product of a more dramatic animosity-turned-lust (US/UK or Germany/rest of Europe), but sometimes a relationship occurs when two realize “they aren’t getting any younger” and they both seem slightly less crazy than everyone else in the neighborhood. Such was the case with Turkey and Israel.

This ‘desperate spinster’ approach to international relations began soon after the establishment of Israel, with Turkey ignoring the Muslim world and being one of the first to recognize the state in 1949, hoping to impress America and get a cushy NATO job in the process.

But somewhere along the line both countries began realizing just how much they had in common: both secular republics aligned with the West, both enjoyed moonlit strolls on Mediterranean beaches, both had trouble with their neighbors, both liked guns, etc.

After the first few decades of courtship there comes a time in relationships when one has a simple choice: either leave or get on your knee and propose a strategic military partnership, and in 1996 Turkey and Israel tied the knot. The secular Turkish military got to not only intimidate hostile neighbors but also the recently-elected Islamist party, and in return Israel got to tell Muslim jokes* without seeming racist.

But much has changed since ’96, the most striking being the military’s diminished relevance under a popular conservative government and improved relations with neighbors (once dangerous threats, we now have weekly protocol-signing parties with Syria, Armenia, Iran, Iraq, and Greece).

Even the best strategic military partnerships can go sour, yet breakups are often difficult and always awkward. But it wasn’t until the 21^st century that Turkish foreign policy came up with the easiest method of breaking up, a method that has been used by college males for centuries, the “act like an asshole until they dump you” approach.

Guide to breaking up with someone (or Israel)

• Send mixed signals

Since 2004 Turkey has been increasingly vocal about condemning Israeli assassinations and Gaza incursions as terrorist acts, immediately followed by statements about how close the two countries are. This tradition has kept up since 1967, when Turkey joined the Muslim world in denouncing Israel for the Six-Day War yet abstained from signing a clause calling it an “aggressor state.”

• Invite over friends they can’t stand

Turkey invited over Hamas in 2006 and Ahmadinejad in 2008, neither of whom Israel likes very much, even though both take off their shoes before they come inside.

• Don’t invite them out to play

Earlier this month, Turkey uninvited Israel from a joint annual air force exercise that has been taking place since 2001, all while muttering something about “needing its own airspace.”

• Get irritated at things that used to not bother you

After a while, things you once found cute like the urge to bomb, start irritating you: just this January, Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan went off on Israeli President Peres at an economic summit over the latest Gaza incursion, saying he “knew how to kill” and how he just didn’t know Peres anymore.

• Make a television program suggesting they murder children

Last week Turkish public television broadcast a new show about a love story taking place in Gaza depicting Israeli soldiers as villains from a Tarantino film.

Because saying “I see you as the type of person who would shoot little girls” is still a better way to break up than “it’s not you, it’s me”

Many see this as a sign of rising anti-Israeli sentiment, though considering how Arabs keep buying the sappy soap operas that bomb at home, it could just be an attempt to corner the market.

Even if you follow all these steps, it is impossible to avoid some animosity in any breakup, and sometimes all you can hope for afterwards is they don’t make fun of your bedroom skills at the next UN General Assembly.

*God calls before him Moses, Jesus and Mohammed, telling them they are to chronologically pick the women of their congregation. Moses steps up, says “I want the smartest ones,” and all the smart ones leave with him. Jesus steps up, “I want the prettiest ones,” and all the pretty ones leave with him. Mohammed looks at what is left, sighs, and says “cover up, cover up.”

The Street Protest

Given free time, Turks prefer spending it either outside or socializing with people who agree with them. The best days are ones you combine both and nothing quite combines the beauty of "outdoors" with the kinship of "having your mob dispersed by tear gas" as well as a public protest.

Last week the streets of Istanbul were full of cheer as many teary-eyed residents took to the streets on Tuesday and Wednesday to protest the annual meeting of the International Monetary Fund; young people pointed out the flaws of globalization with graphic depictions of rocks thrown through bank windows while the police were able to offer their own rebuttals via water-cannons and arrests.

Granted, whether the cause is ending globalization or just free pizza, convincing young people to break things is not difficult, but street protests have become such an integral part of Turkish culture they can emerge for any number of reasons from "government action/inaction" to "your team losing a game" and sometimes even "having nothing better to do on a weekend."

Some of the more popular reasons to take to the streets include (but are not limited to):

Capitalism

The annual International Labor Day protests on May 1st are in much the same anti-imperialist tone as the IMF ones: young people donning their favorite store-bought Che Guevara shirts and marching in a mob until police get bored enough to lob tear gas. Most will disperse to go home and complain about "the Man" while a few stick around to break windows and vandalize trash cans and/or lampposts.

If May 1st or the next IMF meeting is too far off, small gangs of communist protesters wander downtown Istanbul on any given day, chipping away at capitalism by talking amongst themselves.

Islam threatened

Religious Muslims have a near-endless supply of topics to be offended over and almost all of them can be solved by flag-burning.

Just the day before the IMF meetings began, thousands gathered in front of the Israeli consulate to burn Israeli flags as repercussion for the shutting down of the al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem. Israel's Gaza incursion earlier in the year elicited a similar reaction.

Sometimes, usually around when one runs out of flammable Israeli flags, fundamentalists might focus on other countries, like when Turks took to the streets against Denmark and Sweden (links Turkish) over Danish cartoons mocking the Prophet Mohammed.

There are plenty of opportunities to express outrage when the only real limitation is making sure the offending country has enough flags for sale to maintain a decent bonfire, which is why you rarely see Muslims protesting Haiti.

Islam too threatening

The Ataturk Thought Association (named after the revered founder of the republic, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, whose name means "father of all Turks") has remained vigilant in protecting the values of Kemalism (the modern principles the republic was founded on and all Turks must abide by, again named after the founder) by staging massive protests in 2007, 2008 and 2009 against an Islamic administration and its primitive attempts to make citizens unquestioningly follow an all-encompassing ideology handed down by an infallible patriarchal entity. You know... God.

Kemalism has many principles, irony is not one of them.

Secularists: the independent free-thinkers of Turkey

The reasons behind protests are too long to list and can range from police brutality in Greece to headscarves being banned in Turkish universities; the only real limitations are whether the cause "can rhyme in public chant" and "can it fit on a cardboard sign?"

Turks might publicly fume over the underdog of the week, but even we have trouble rallying against places like Kyrgyzstan; a country too hard to pronounce, harder to spell and few have seen a Kyrgyz flag long enough to tell whether it looks flammable or not.

The Cola War

2003 was a good year for mistrust: between Americans bombing Iraqis, the Chinese spreading SARS and space killing astronauts, it was a time to sit at home and surround yourself with the familiar, preferably on the ground as far away from space as possible (unless you were Iranian and the Earth itself was trying to kill you).

The Iraq war in particular vexed Turks and approval of America dropped from 52 percent in 2000 to 15 percent by the start of the war, a number which hasn’t improved much since. And when annoyed at a superpower, sometimes you just have to hit where it will hurt the most: right in the beverage industry.

Nationalism often demands both a reduction of American market share and a quenching of thirst, and so 2003 saw the birth of a new soft-drink for Turks by Turks: Cola Turka. A cola so Turkish it not only doesn’t bother with English on its website (link very Turkish) but also denies the Armenian genocide for you.

Not pictured: any ‘Coca’… or imperialism

Any advertiser, even the infidel or communist ones, can associate ‘their product’ with ‘attractive young people’ having ‘fun,’ but Cola Turka wanted to distinguish itself further with ads that would pander to nationalism at best or drag Turkey to war at worst.

Since the message was “Even Americans act Turkish with Cola Turka” and all Westerners pretty much look the same to us, there had to be a way to say “American” in a manner more subtle than having actors hold up valid passports.

Not pictured: passports... subtlety

And if ‘overweight’ and ‘cowboy’ are not enough to convey U.S.A., you can always hire Chevy Chase, because the only thing more American than a fat cowboy is a man named after an American car.

Not pictured: actors with careers since the ‘80s

“Sure, a drink that makes decent God-fearing Turks out of cowboys and Hollywood actors is impressive” you might say, “but can it also end war? Particularly wars I don’t approve of and may or may not be funded by Cola Turka’s main competitor?”

Glad you asked…

Not pictured: Coca-cola executives kicking Iraqi orphans

A sip of Cola Turka is enough to make even the most misguided foreigners see the Turkish point-of-view, a point of view that an American multi-national corporation can never understand.

Provided you ignore the fact that the CEO of Coca-Cola is also a Turk.