The God Quiz

Despite many achievements from creating the universe to ensuring almost all people will hate each other, God has yet to be part of what many in the lowest common denominator of humanity have: game shows.

As nothing pleases God more than renewed relevance (i.e. Noah’s Flood, Christian Rock), the only thing that would get on HIS good side more than a Turkish game show where contestants competed in HIS name, would be if the show was also produced by a famous transsexual being investigated for involvement in an organization trying to violently overthrow parliament.

“Tövbekarlar Yarışıyor” (Penitents Compete), the brainchild of Seyhan “Sisi” Soylu, will feature a rabbi, priest, imam and a Buddhist monk (interesting in that non-Abrahamic faiths are barely recognized in Turkey) all vying to convert ten atheists. The converted and the convertee win not material ills like money, but a holy pilgrimage in an attempt to further anger God (or imbalance your Karma).

Yet, enlightenment should not have to wait for the September broadcast of the program, and for those unsure about which faith is right for them, there is the following questionnaire:

Which path to salvation would you hate the least?

1. How do you feel?

a) Chosen

b) Guilty

c) Angry

d) In an endless cycle of pain

e) Mostly hungover

2. How do you like to drink?

a) Heavily during ceremonies, as long as it’s undrinkably sweet wine

b) A little on Sunday mornings, as long as people call it blood and also serve a side of cracker

c) Never

d) Moderately, as long as it’s not enough to have fun

e) Heavily, as long as the boss is not walking by your desk

3. How would you like your afterlife?

a) A paradise where only the members of my extended family get in

b) A paradise where everybody that agrees with me gets in

c) Water... lots and lots of water... and virgins

d) Life all over again until you get it right

e) A never-ending sleep right after you have cursed out everyone who has ever wronged you

4. What embarrassing people are you willing to be associated with?

a) Hasidic Jews

b) Southern Baptists

c) Most anybody on camera

d) People in orange robes

e) That guy who always brings up a serious debate about religion at parties

5. Where do you like your funny hair?

a) Sideburns

b) Under a cowboy hat

c) Unkempt beard

d) Completely bald

e) Clogging the drain

6. You like your sex...

a) Married

b) Married

c) Married

d) Moderately, as long as it’s not enough to have fun

e) The sort requiring routine clinic visits

7. Women should be...

a) Fun until they have children

b) Fun

c) Covered

d) Hippies seeking spirituality

e) Drunk

8. How do you like your food?

a) Kosher

b) Fattening

c) Halal

d) Vegetarian

e) With wine

9. So if somebody hands you a bacon cheeseburger?

a) Hell no!

b) Ask for another

c) Ask for one without bacon

d) Weep for the fallen animals

e) Change your wine order to beer

10. What offends you the most?

a) Tipping

b) People darker than you

c) Mohammed cartoons

d) Richard Gere

e) Richard Gere

11. When offended do you?

a) Sue

b) Declare preemptive war

c) Burn flags

d) Forgive

e) Trash-talk anonymously on internet comments section

If you answered mostly...

A: Congratulations, you’re a Jew! Much of the world is convinced you control everything, but even if you do, you don’t control enough to keep terrible things from happening to you.

B: Congratulations, you’re a Christian! Your religion not only has the greatest number of most-developed nations, but also the greatest number of nations likely to see the messiah’s face on a piece of toast.

C: Congratulations, you’re a Muslim! Enjoy all the “random” security checks at airports.

D: Congratulations, you’re a Buddhist! You now have to be nice to recent graduates taking a year off to find spirituality in your temple.

E: Congratulations, you’re an Atheist! The only thing getting in the way of you enjoying life to the fullest is your compulsion to convince everyone else how they are delusional fools. And the law.

The Western Focus

The most popular sight for visitors in Tehran is no bazaar or mausoleum, or even the recognizable Azadi monument, but rather Iranian women (though if you combine both like to the right, you win a Pulitzer).

The elusive Iranian woman, despite making up only half of the Iranian population, has become the darling of the Western press. Her makeup, her dress, her vote, even her Michelle Obama-ness have become the main barometer to judge Iranian reform, even more so than say, times the Supreme Leader decides not to issue a fatwa.

Turkish secularists too argue that a headscarf is a sign of backwardness and the attempt to remove it, embracing modernity. Yet the same cameras that love pictures of Iranian women trying to uncover also give us pictures like this:

The pictures above usually accompany an email titled “the real reason why Turkey lost to Brazil in the 2002 World Cup,” though the real reason was steroids.

And so, Top 5 reasons why the West selectively focuses on similarities with Iran and differences with Turkey:

5. Iran is a religious state oppressing secular-minded people, Turkey a secular state oppressing the religious-minded and dammit, oppressed people just look better on camera

4. Turkey tries hard to be recognized as a Western state, and it’s up to journalists to point out how it isn’t. Iran tries hard to be recognized as crazy, and it’s up to journalists to point out how it isn’t

3. Iran has a Nobel peace prize, Turkey a literature one (Ironically, Iran isn’t too good at peace, Turkey at freedom of expression). Everybody knows peace gets bragging rights over books

2. Every positive article on Iran gets you a 10 percent discount on the purchase of your next Persian rug

1. Oil buys you more friends

The Paternal Democracy

All week long the Western media covered everything about the Iranian elections from voting to how the election was stolen, how it wasn’t really stolen, protests, photoshopped pro-government rallies, how Iran hates the Western media and even how Arabs are feeling left out.

The Turkish media got in on some of the action too: protests in neighboring countries have been a popular topic in the past, but this week we were busy wondering if our military would overthrow our elected government to save our democracy, pretty much the same way one might burn down their house to prevent possible fires in the future.

On the very same June 12^th as the Iranian elections, liberal daily Taraf, which frequently publishes articles like “minorities bleed too” and “how the army plans to kill you tomorrow,” published a leaked document (link Turkish) about the military’s plans to:

“Reveal the truth about… the Justice and Development Party [the ruling party with 62 percent of the seats in parliament] which aims to replace the secular democratic order with an Islamic state, break their public support and put an end to their activities…”

This more than a year after another similar leaked document by Taraf and less then two months after the army chief publicly praised democracy and assured no toppling of government. This type of thing happens frequently enough that nobody has bothered to change the military’s bi-annual “we love democracy” apology since 1995.

Military interventions have always been a popular pastime in Turkey, with two coups in 1960 and 1980, twice making governments step down in 1971 and 1997, and even an e-coup before the 2007 elections (the next threat of intervention is expected to be only 140 characters and include lots of frowny faces).

There is much fear amongst the secular white Turks (and the army) of a looming Islamic revolution, and Iran is often evoked as an example of a secular state toppled by the religious. The army sees itself as the custodians of the 1923 revolution, obligated to preserve the revolution’s principles, particularly secularism, over all else. In doing so, the army behaves in much the same way as the Iranian Guardian Council, another unelected body with final political say, preserving the principles of its own 1979 revolution, Islam, over all else.

Just as elections don’t necessarily mean democracy in Iran, an elected body under the thumb of an unelected one is no democracy anywhere. Ideally, a state would be confident enough in its founding principles that democracy strengthens, not threatens, it. Whether or not secularism without democracy is worth the trouble, we can hope nobody has to burn down any more houses for it.

The Woman's Program

In Turkey, ‘women’s program’ is the name given to a specific daytime television format that caters mainly to housewives and the terminally comatose.

Woman’s programs have a simple formula: A female host, light banter, and a studio audience picked for their ability to clap along with anything. Often ridiculed for their lack of substance, this doesn’t stop 84 percent of women from watching.

Which prompts a question: what exactly are these women learning from daytime television?

How to socialize with strangers, boringly

Women’s programs need guests to keep the host from talking about herself for three hours. But they do try to mix it up: the celebrity hosts of Sabahların Sultanı and Herşey Dahil get to sit on a couch to talk while the host of Mavi Şeker (links Turkish) makes up for her lack of fame by standing and being perky.

It doesn’t really matter what is being said, or if there is any conversation at all; most daytime television viewers are happy just seeing shiny movement on screen.

How to Cook/Clean/Furnish

Some shows like Deryalı Günler (link Turkish) focus on “home economics,” the nice way of saying “woman work.” Guests are interviewed while cooking or sharing decorating advice and typical comments include (really) “Coffee stains are a woman’s worst nightmare…” which explains why families spend more a year on detergent than on donations to UNICEF.

How to feign enthusiasm while B-list stars lip-synch

There is always at least one pop-star lip-synching terrible hits for the audience to clap at. A bad host will behave like this is the worst thing that has happened to her since that coffee-stain, the good ones like the first day they learned to remove one.

How to respect the disabled

Beside the singer, there has to also be one eccentric guest, which can be anyone from “astrologer/positive energy expert” to “man who claims he can fly, then literally flips when someone questions his credibility”:

How to look at the brighter side of life

For the dark, brooding housewives, Tatlısert (link Turkish) invites guests to share stories of how their loved ones were murdered or kidnapped or abandoned them, then cry into the cameras.

How to get married out of desperation

Many people in Turkey were not lucky enough to get married for the wrong reasons and as the subtitled clip from spinster dating program Dest-i İzdivaç shows, many of them are willing to share their public shame on television.

So, while each show teaches women different things, their common underlying theme is really the most important lesson of all: “How to maintain the low-standards needed for a happy marriage.”

The Domestic Abuse

In honor of Turkey becoming the first country ever to receive a slap-on-the-wrist over domestic abuse by the European Court of Human Rights, below are rules on how to handle yourself if you find you are in a fistfight with a woman:

• There are many reasons to get in a fistfight with a woman, even though Hollywood only gives us two: “if she’s a superhero” or “if she’s an enemy spy.” If you cannot prove she is either, local authorities also accept “for honor” or “she didn’t love me.”
• Considering there is a forty percent domestic abuse rate, if you aren’t dishing it out, you are probably taking it; it’s best to go preemptive on this one.
• Most police will consider abuse “an affair to be resolved within the family” rather than “assault” if you are legally married; avoid pesky paperwork by popping the question first.
• We have a saying, “Kol kırılır, yen içinde kalır” (The arm breaks, it stays within the sleeve); domestic abuse is one of those public taboos like kinky sex or being fat that are only shameful if it leaves the house. Avoid friends and neighbors and you’ll go through life a “decent” human being.
• Also avoid the media: every day there are several stories condemning violence against women. Just today there was one on a woman beaten to death by two men trying to convince her to marry one of them, a woman who was strangled to death for divorcing her husband and an officer who killed his ex-wife and her lawyer over custody (links in Turkish). Save yourself embarrassment by holding your abuse for when Obama delivers a speech or the World Cup finals to avoid becoming a headline.
• No firearms! Firearms are what make the difference between an asshole and a psychopath.
• Don’t forget your taunts! Most of the world doesn’t consider it abuse, plus spouses with low self-esteem rarely go to the media or to court.
• A good death threat has, at the bare minimum, a subject, a predicate and at least 3 exclamation points:

Wrong: Die?

Right: I will run you and your mother over with a car if you leave me!!!!!

• Brush your teeth and bathe regularly! One judge in Ankara penalized an abusive husband not just with the standard restraining orders and psychiatric treatment, but also ordered the unhygienic man to routinely groom himself (link Turkish) if he wished to avoid jail.
• Beg her not to go to the European Court of Human Rights.

Remember, nothing proves manliness like a good fistfight with a lady, no matter what the UN says.

The Obama Crush

Turkey has always declared its love for the European Union (we first applied for membership in 1987 and are in an ongoing membership process that should end around the time Europe needs cheap labor for its Moon colony), but secretly, we are really only thinking about Obama.

And even though the European Parliament, the common body elected by all Europeans to pass common laws that are commonly ignored, started its four-day elections last Thursday (the one that even Europeans found too boring to attend), Turkish eyes were focused on ‘Hüseyin.'

The very same day Turkophobic parties were winning seats in parliament, Obama was delivering a speech in Egypt, charming the Muslim world with his talk of Muslims in his family, Muslims in America, Muslims in history, Muslims going to work, Muslims doing laundry, Muslims feeding the cat, etc. (possibly, though some of us, like our Prime Minister, were too busy to watch the whole thing).

Yes, Turkey has a crush on Obama:

 

This a ridiculous joke in Turkey too, but the singer has on several occasions claimed being an alien, so we just let him do what he wants…

The video was released in time for Obama’s visit here in April, where he spoke to Parliament and charmed all with talk of Turks in America, Turks in history, Turks going to work, Turks feeding the cat, etc.

Coincidentally, there was another Euro-crisis at the time with Danish Prime Minister Anders Rasmussen vying to be chief of NATO and Turkey protesting. Rasmussen had upset Muslims by not apologizing for Danish cartoons mocking Mohammed, which in the Muslim world goes over about as well as eating a live puppy on television.

But Obama came and reassured Turkey how great it was, and the issue of the mean Dane as well as Europe threatening our EU membership was forgotten.

Still, there is no reason for Europe to feel inadequate; yesterday’s headlines were all about French President Sarkozy’s disapproval of Turkish EU membership. Normally we’d feel hurt, but Obama was there, and we didn’t want him to see us cry.