The God Quiz

Despite many achievements from creating the universe to ensuring almost all people will hate each other, God has yet to be part of what many in the lowest common denominator of humanity have: game shows.

As nothing pleases God more than renewed relevance (i.e. Noah’s Flood, Christian Rock), the only thing that would get on HIS good side more than a Turkish game show where contestants competed in HIS name, would be if the show was also produced by a famous transsexual being investigated for involvement in an organization trying to violently overthrow parliament.

“Tövbekarlar Yarışıyor” (Penitents Compete), the brainchild of Seyhan “Sisi” Soylu, will feature a rabbi, priest, imam and a Buddhist monk (interesting in that non-Abrahamic faiths are barely recognized in Turkey) all vying to convert ten atheists. The converted and the convertee win not material ills like money, but a holy pilgrimage in an attempt to further anger God (or imbalance your Karma).

Yet, enlightenment should not have to wait for the September broadcast of the program, and for those unsure about which faith is right for them, there is the following questionnaire:

Which path to salvation would you hate the least?

1. How do you feel?

a) Chosen

b) Guilty

c) Angry

d) In an endless cycle of pain

e) Mostly hungover

2. How do you like to drink?

a) Heavily during ceremonies, as long as it’s undrinkably sweet wine

b) A little on Sunday mornings, as long as people call it blood and also serve a side of cracker

c) Never

d) Moderately, as long as it’s not enough to have fun

e) Heavily, as long as the boss is not walking by your desk

3. How would you like your afterlife?

a) A paradise where only the members of my extended family get in

b) A paradise where everybody that agrees with me gets in

c) Water... lots and lots of water... and virgins

d) Life all over again until you get it right

e) A never-ending sleep right after you have cursed out everyone who has ever wronged you

4. What embarrassing people are you willing to be associated with?

a) Hasidic Jews

b) Southern Baptists

c) Most anybody on camera

d) People in orange robes

e) That guy who always brings up a serious debate about religion at parties

5. Where do you like your funny hair?

a) Sideburns

b) Under a cowboy hat

c) Unkempt beard

d) Completely bald

e) Clogging the drain

6. You like your sex...

a) Married

b) Married

c) Married

d) Moderately, as long as it’s not enough to have fun

e) The sort requiring routine clinic visits

7. Women should be...

a) Fun until they have children

b) Fun

c) Covered

d) Hippies seeking spirituality

e) Drunk

8. How do you like your food?

a) Kosher

b) Fattening

c) Halal

d) Vegetarian

e) With wine

9. So if somebody hands you a bacon cheeseburger?

a) Hell no!

b) Ask for another

c) Ask for one without bacon

d) Weep for the fallen animals

e) Change your wine order to beer

10. What offends you the most?

a) Tipping

b) People darker than you

c) Mohammed cartoons

d) Richard Gere

e) Richard Gere

11. When offended do you?

a) Sue

b) Declare preemptive war

c) Burn flags

d) Forgive

e) Trash-talk anonymously on internet comments section

If you answered mostly...

A: Congratulations, you’re a Jew! Much of the world is convinced you control everything, but even if you do, you don’t control enough to keep terrible things from happening to you.

B: Congratulations, you’re a Christian! Your religion not only has the greatest number of most-developed nations, but also the greatest number of nations likely to see the messiah’s face on a piece of toast.

C: Congratulations, you’re a Muslim! Enjoy all the “random” security checks at airports.

D: Congratulations, you’re a Buddhist! You now have to be nice to recent graduates taking a year off to find spirituality in your temple.

E: Congratulations, you’re an Atheist! The only thing getting in the way of you enjoying life to the fullest is your compulsion to convince everyone else how they are delusional fools. And the law.