The Cola War

2003 was a good year for mistrust: between Americans bombing Iraqis, the Chinese spreading SARS and space killing astronauts, it was a time to sit at home and surround yourself with the familiar, preferably on the ground as far away from space as possible (unless you were Iranian and the Earth itself was trying to kill you).

The Iraq war in particular vexed Turks and approval of America dropped from 52 percent in 2000 to 15 percent by the start of the war, a number which hasn’t improved much since. And when annoyed at a superpower, sometimes you just have to hit where it will hurt the most: right in the beverage industry.

Nationalism often demands both a reduction of American market share and a quenching of thirst, and so 2003 saw the birth of a new soft-drink for Turks by Turks: Cola Turka. A cola so Turkish it not only doesn’t bother with English on its website (link very Turkish) but also denies the Armenian genocide for you.

Not pictured: any ‘Coca’… or imperialism

Any advertiser, even the infidel or communist ones, can associate ‘their product’ with ‘attractive young people’ having ‘fun,’ but Cola Turka wanted to distinguish itself further with ads that would pander to nationalism at best or drag Turkey to war at worst.

Since the message was “Even Americans act Turkish with Cola Turka” and all Westerners pretty much look the same to us, there had to be a way to say “American” in a manner more subtle than having actors hold up valid passports.

Not pictured: passports... subtlety

And if ‘overweight’ and ‘cowboy’ are not enough to convey U.S.A., you can always hire Chevy Chase, because the only thing more American than a fat cowboy is a man named after an American car.

Not pictured: actors with careers since the ‘80s

“Sure, a drink that makes decent God-fearing Turks out of cowboys and Hollywood actors is impressive” you might say, “but can it also end war? Particularly wars I don’t approve of and may or may not be funded by Cola Turka’s main competitor?”

Glad you asked…

Not pictured: Coca-cola executives kicking Iraqi orphans

A sip of Cola Turka is enough to make even the most misguided foreigners see the Turkish point-of-view, a point of view that an American multi-national corporation can never understand.

Provided you ignore the fact that the CEO of Coca-Cola is also a Turk.