The Paternal Democracy

All week long the Western media covered everything about the Iranian elections from voting to how the election was stolen, how it wasn’t really stolen, protests, photoshopped pro-government rallies, how Iran hates the Western media and even how Arabs are feeling left out.

The Turkish media got in on some of the action too: protests in neighboring countries have been a popular topic in the past, but this week we were busy wondering if our military would overthrow our elected government to save our democracy, pretty much the same way one might burn down their house to prevent possible fires in the future.

On the very same June 12^th as the Iranian elections, liberal daily Taraf, which frequently publishes articles like “minorities bleed too” and “how the army plans to kill you tomorrow,” published a leaked document (link Turkish) about the military’s plans to:

“Reveal the truth about… the Justice and Development Party [the ruling party with 62 percent of the seats in parliament] which aims to replace the secular democratic order with an Islamic state, break their public support and put an end to their activities…”

This more than a year after another similar leaked document by Taraf and less then two months after the army chief publicly praised democracy and assured no toppling of government. This type of thing happens frequently enough that nobody has bothered to change the military’s bi-annual “we love democracy” apology since 1995.

Military interventions have always been a popular pastime in Turkey, with two coups in 1960 and 1980, twice making governments step down in 1971 and 1997, and even an e-coup before the 2007 elections (the next threat of intervention is expected to be only 140 characters and include lots of frowny faces).

There is much fear amongst the secular white Turks (and the army) of a looming Islamic revolution, and Iran is often evoked as an example of a secular state toppled by the religious. The army sees itself as the custodians of the 1923 revolution, obligated to preserve the revolution’s principles, particularly secularism, over all else. In doing so, the army behaves in much the same way as the Iranian Guardian Council, another unelected body with final political say, preserving the principles of its own 1979 revolution, Islam, over all else.

Just as elections don’t necessarily mean democracy in Iran, an elected body under the thumb of an unelected one is no democracy anywhere. Ideally, a state would be confident enough in its founding principles that democracy strengthens, not threatens, it. Whether or not secularism without democracy is worth the trouble, we can hope nobody has to burn down any more houses for it.

The Woman's Program

In Turkey, ‘women’s program’ is the name given to a specific daytime television format that caters mainly to housewives and the terminally comatose.

Woman’s programs have a simple formula: A female host, light banter, and a studio audience picked for their ability to clap along with anything. Often ridiculed for their lack of substance, this doesn’t stop 84 percent of women from watching.

Which prompts a question: what exactly are these women learning from daytime television?

How to socialize with strangers, boringly

Women’s programs need guests to keep the host from talking about herself for three hours. But they do try to mix it up: the celebrity hosts of Sabahların Sultanı and Herşey Dahil get to sit on a couch to talk while the host of Mavi Şeker (links Turkish) makes up for her lack of fame by standing and being perky.

It doesn’t really matter what is being said, or if there is any conversation at all; most daytime television viewers are happy just seeing shiny movement on screen.

How to Cook/Clean/Furnish

Some shows like Deryalı Günler (link Turkish) focus on “home economics,” the nice way of saying “woman work.” Guests are interviewed while cooking or sharing decorating advice and typical comments include (really) “Coffee stains are a woman’s worst nightmare…” which explains why families spend more a year on detergent than on donations to UNICEF.

How to feign enthusiasm while B-list stars lip-synch

There is always at least one pop-star lip-synching terrible hits for the audience to clap at. A bad host will behave like this is the worst thing that has happened to her since that coffee-stain, the good ones like the first day they learned to remove one.

How to respect the disabled

Beside the singer, there has to also be one eccentric guest, which can be anyone from “astrologer/positive energy expert” to “man who claims he can fly, then literally flips when someone questions his credibility”:

How to look at the brighter side of life

For the dark, brooding housewives, Tatlısert (link Turkish) invites guests to share stories of how their loved ones were murdered or kidnapped or abandoned them, then cry into the cameras.

How to get married out of desperation

Many people in Turkey were not lucky enough to get married for the wrong reasons and as the subtitled clip from spinster dating program Dest-i İzdivaç shows, many of them are willing to share their public shame on television.

So, while each show teaches women different things, their common underlying theme is really the most important lesson of all: “How to maintain the low-standards needed for a happy marriage.”

The Domestic Abuse

In honor of Turkey becoming the first country ever to receive a slap-on-the-wrist over domestic abuse by the European Court of Human Rights, below are rules on how to handle yourself if you find you are in a fistfight with a woman:

• There are many reasons to get in a fistfight with a woman, even though Hollywood only gives us two: “if she’s a superhero” or “if she’s an enemy spy.” If you cannot prove she is either, local authorities also accept “for honor” or “she didn’t love me.”
• Considering there is a forty percent domestic abuse rate, if you aren’t dishing it out, you are probably taking it; it’s best to go preemptive on this one.
• Most police will consider abuse “an affair to be resolved within the family” rather than “assault” if you are legally married; avoid pesky paperwork by popping the question first.
• We have a saying, “Kol kırılır, yen içinde kalır” (The arm breaks, it stays within the sleeve); domestic abuse is one of those public taboos like kinky sex or being fat that are only shameful if it leaves the house. Avoid friends and neighbors and you’ll go through life a “decent” human being.
• Also avoid the media: every day there are several stories condemning violence against women. Just today there was one on a woman beaten to death by two men trying to convince her to marry one of them, a woman who was strangled to death for divorcing her husband and an officer who killed his ex-wife and her lawyer over custody (links in Turkish). Save yourself embarrassment by holding your abuse for when Obama delivers a speech or the World Cup finals to avoid becoming a headline.
• No firearms! Firearms are what make the difference between an asshole and a psychopath.
• Don’t forget your taunts! Most of the world doesn’t consider it abuse, plus spouses with low self-esteem rarely go to the media or to court.
• A good death threat has, at the bare minimum, a subject, a predicate and at least 3 exclamation points:

Wrong: Die?

Right: I will run you and your mother over with a car if you leave me!!!!!

• Brush your teeth and bathe regularly! One judge in Ankara penalized an abusive husband not just with the standard restraining orders and psychiatric treatment, but also ordered the unhygienic man to routinely groom himself (link Turkish) if he wished to avoid jail.
• Beg her not to go to the European Court of Human Rights.

Remember, nothing proves manliness like a good fistfight with a lady, no matter what the UN says.

The Obama Crush

Turkey has always declared its love for the European Union (we first applied for membership in 1987 and are in an ongoing membership process that should end around the time Europe needs cheap labor for its Moon colony), but secretly, we are really only thinking about Obama.

And even though the European Parliament, the common body elected by all Europeans to pass common laws that are commonly ignored, started its four-day elections last Thursday (the one that even Europeans found too boring to attend), Turkish eyes were focused on ‘Hüseyin.'

The very same day Turkophobic parties were winning seats in parliament, Obama was delivering a speech in Egypt, charming the Muslim world with his talk of Muslims in his family, Muslims in America, Muslims in history, Muslims going to work, Muslims doing laundry, Muslims feeding the cat, etc. (possibly, though some of us, like our Prime Minister, were too busy to watch the whole thing).

Yes, Turkey has a crush on Obama:

 

This a ridiculous joke in Turkey too, but the singer has on several occasions claimed being an alien, so we just let him do what he wants…

The video was released in time for Obama’s visit here in April, where he spoke to Parliament and charmed all with talk of Turks in America, Turks in history, Turks going to work, Turks feeding the cat, etc.

Coincidentally, there was another Euro-crisis at the time with Danish Prime Minister Anders Rasmussen vying to be chief of NATO and Turkey protesting. Rasmussen had upset Muslims by not apologizing for Danish cartoons mocking Mohammed, which in the Muslim world goes over about as well as eating a live puppy on television.

But Obama came and reassured Turkey how great it was, and the issue of the mean Dane as well as Europe threatening our EU membership was forgotten.

Still, there is no reason for Europe to feel inadequate; yesterday’s headlines were all about French President Sarkozy’s disapproval of Turkish EU membership. Normally we’d feel hurt, but Obama was there, and we didn’t want him to see us cry.

The Fascist Lite

Erdogan broke a very important rule of Prime Minister-ship (“Don’t call your country fascist”) a couple weeks ago, sparking a long debate (link Turkish):

“For years… those of different ethnic identity were expelled from our country. This was the product of a fascist understanding. We have made mistakes in the past time and time again, but in hindsight we see what we have done wrong.”

Usually, f-words are reserved for disliked policies, hated leaders, or the parents of teenagers going through a “left-wing phase.” But Erdogan was accusing Turkey of past fascism, and implying the people had implicitly condoned such policies.

Some offered back-handed praise, saying it was a good apology but not enough, but most preferred the traditional “attack the character, not the issue.” Granted, if the measure of a good fascist is how much you can scare minorities, Erdogan himself is no saint, boasting “one language, one nation; love it or leave it,” just earlier this year.

But when the head of the Jewish community Silvio Ovadia points out (link Turkish) that the Jewish community shrank from 60,000 members at the start of the Republic to today’s 20,000, and that the Greek community shrank from roughly half a million to today’s 2,500, there might be some fascism, or at least fascism-lite.

And the country definitely has enough diversity to keep a fascist happily busy well into retirement. Below are a list of some of the more well-known minorities and some of the events that make the European Court of Human Rights cry late at night:

Greeks-

The Greeks got the population exchanges of 1923, where 1,500,000 Greeks who had lived in Asia Minor for thousands of years were traded with Greece for half a million Turks living there, in a bilateral effort for ethnic homogeneity. They also bore the brunt of the 1955 Pogrom, a government-organized mob assaulting Greeks, sacking their property and just generally making them feel unwelcome.

Jews-

The Jews got the 1942 Wealth Tax, a tax that was disproportionately levied against minorities rendering the previously well-off community impoverished, imprisoned, and preferring a never-ending war in a desert to living in Turkey.

Armenians-

The Armenians got the events of 1915; where hundreds of thousands died (or didn’t), either through state-sponsored genocide or as self-defense by Turks who were just sitting around minding their own business. Right now there is an ongoing healthy, rational debate about the events of 1915, with one camp denying any genocide, and the other camp obviously being traitors.

Kurds –

The Kurds got the landmines.

Though, in Turkey’s defense, it’s probably only Fascism if you do all these things to only one group.