The Israeli Divorce

Some relationships are born of epic romance (when did it become Trinidad and Tobago?), others are the product of a more dramatic animosity-turned-lust (US/UK or Germany/rest of Europe), but sometimes a relationship occurs when two realize “they aren’t getting any younger” and they both seem slightly less crazy than everyone else in the neighborhood. Such was the case with Turkey and Israel.

This ‘desperate spinster’ approach to international relations began soon after the establishment of Israel, with Turkey ignoring the Muslim world and being one of the first to recognize the state in 1949, hoping to impress America and get a cushy NATO job in the process.

But somewhere along the line both countries began realizing just how much they had in common: both secular republics aligned with the West, both enjoyed moonlit strolls on Mediterranean beaches, both had trouble with their neighbors, both liked guns, etc.

After the first few decades of courtship there comes a time in relationships when one has a simple choice: either leave or get on your knee and propose a strategic military partnership, and in 1996 Turkey and Israel tied the knot. The secular Turkish military got to not only intimidate hostile neighbors but also the recently-elected Islamist party, and in return Israel got to tell Muslim jokes* without seeming racist.

But much has changed since ’96, the most striking being the military’s diminished relevance under a popular conservative government and improved relations with neighbors (once dangerous threats, we now have weekly protocol-signing parties with Syria, Armenia, Iran, Iraq, and Greece).

Even the best strategic military partnerships can go sour, yet breakups are often difficult and always awkward. But it wasn’t until the 21^st century that Turkish foreign policy came up with the easiest method of breaking up, a method that has been used by college males for centuries, the “act like an asshole until they dump you” approach.

Guide to breaking up with someone (or Israel)

• Send mixed signals

Since 2004 Turkey has been increasingly vocal about condemning Israeli assassinations and Gaza incursions as terrorist acts, immediately followed by statements about how close the two countries are. This tradition has kept up since 1967, when Turkey joined the Muslim world in denouncing Israel for the Six-Day War yet abstained from signing a clause calling it an “aggressor state.”

• Invite over friends they can’t stand

Turkey invited over Hamas in 2006 and Ahmadinejad in 2008, neither of whom Israel likes very much, even though both take off their shoes before they come inside.

• Don’t invite them out to play

Earlier this month, Turkey uninvited Israel from a joint annual air force exercise that has been taking place since 2001, all while muttering something about “needing its own airspace.”

• Get irritated at things that used to not bother you

After a while, things you once found cute like the urge to bomb, start irritating you: just this January, Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan went off on Israeli President Peres at an economic summit over the latest Gaza incursion, saying he “knew how to kill” and how he just didn’t know Peres anymore.

• Make a television program suggesting they murder children

Last week Turkish public television broadcast a new show about a love story taking place in Gaza depicting Israeli soldiers as villains from a Tarantino film.

Because saying “I see you as the type of person who would shoot little girls” is still a better way to break up than “it’s not you, it’s me”

Many see this as a sign of rising anti-Israeli sentiment, though considering how Arabs keep buying the sappy soap operas that bomb at home, it could just be an attempt to corner the market.

Even if you follow all these steps, it is impossible to avoid some animosity in any breakup, and sometimes all you can hope for afterwards is they don’t make fun of your bedroom skills at the next UN General Assembly.

*God calls before him Moses, Jesus and Mohammed, telling them they are to chronologically pick the women of their congregation. Moses steps up, says “I want the smartest ones,” and all the smart ones leave with him. Jesus steps up, “I want the prettiest ones,” and all the pretty ones leave with him. Mohammed looks at what is left, sighs, and says “cover up, cover up.”