The Sublime Porte

Harmonious Antakya

2009-11-17T19:19:00.017+02:00

Antakya (“Antioch” to the ancients, “Theopolis” to the Byzantines and “huh?” to Americans) is

Turkey

’s southernmost city, a vaguely Freudian offshoot between the Mediterranean and

Syria

Yet Antakya’s most remarkable feature isn’t that it dangles menacingly from the rest of country, but that it is a cosmopolitan home to people of many ethnic and religious backgrounds.

And while most nations proclaim distaste towards one minority or another (Poles, Mexicans, Turks, etc… check local listings to find your country’s scapegoat), Antakyans have managed to avoid the deep suspicion that keeps the first-world so “exclusive” and the third-world so “racist.”

Over the years, the city has passed back and forth between Greeks, Romans, Persians, Arabs, Crusaders, Ottomans, the French and pretty much anyone else with a sword, with each newcomer bringing not just fresh sword-wounds but a whole new culture making up today’s Antakyan mosaic.

‘Jeweler George’; Corç is about as ethnically-Turkish a name as ‘Churchill’ or ‘Toyota.’

Sights and Sounds of the Antakyan Mosaic:

The Christians

Antakya was the first location the ‘followers of Jesus’ were called ‘Christians’ and Bible-readers might recognize Antioch as where Saints Peter and Paul began preaching around 50AD. The cave Church of St. Peter stands as a testament to when Christians hid in caves lest they sound silly to neighbors discussing Fortuna’s recent quarrel with Jupiter and how it would affect harvest.

One of, if not the, first church, St. Peters’ cave protected from both lions and ridicule.

Though once a Christian capital, most of Antakya’s history has been under Muslim rule, who over the years have grown accustomed to living with Christians as long as they are the quiet kind.

Liturgy at the Antakya Orthodox Church; Antakya’s Christians, now numbering only 1500, haven’t made a controversial statement since 1268.

The Armenians

Antakya’s Vakifli village is the only settlement in Turkey with an exclusively Armenian population.

Unlike most villages populated by non-Armenians, Vakifli boasts modern homes and charming streets lined with well-kempt flowers and tangerine trees. Scenic guest-houses lead up to the picturesque Church of the Mother Mary, where locals sell home-made strawberry liquor and walnut jam. The only way the village could be more adorably quaint is if smiles were the main form of currency.

Vakifli’s church is the cutest house of worship ever dedicated to a woman whose son was brutally crucified.

Of course, this might all be a façade as the less-quaint Armenian towns nearby were razed and their 5000 residents displaced to Syria when Turkey annexed Antakya in 1939. In Turkey’s defense, tolerance for minorities was not very fashionable anywhere back in 1939.

Speaking of which…

The Jews

Home to 60,000 members participating heavily in public life during ancient times, today’s Jewish community only numbers a few hundred and boasts an unassuming synagogue behind a modest door alongside several apartments. The Jewish population is now so rare, if one does find any, the local tourism board asks that you refrain from scaring them away.

The Muslims

Most of contemporary Antakya is Muslim, with the population divided amongst Turk and Arab and the main denominations Alevi (a regional sect of Islam that focuses on liberal values and universalism) and Sunni (a global sect that usually scares everyone else), all living together peacefully.

The city even boasts Anatolia’s first mosque: the 7^th century Habib-i Neccar mosque (pictured left). It now houses Habib-i Neccar’s tomb; a monotheistic carpenter living in pagan Antioch in the 1^st century, Habib was visited by two of Jesus’ followers. One of the first Christian converts, he tried to convince an angry mob to spare the two visitors, who killed Habib instead, probably because tolerance hadn’t been invented yet.

A plaque in the mosque adds a Muslim twist to the story: Habib was actually visited by two angels who told him about Mohammed (who would be born 5 centuries later) and was thus actually the first Muslim. Proving, once and for all, God is one very impatient deity.

The Birds

Almost every single store-keeper in Antakya owns birds they display in their shop, as if the Antakya chamber of commerce requires proof of bird-ownership before distributing licenses.

Either an ancient tradition with reasons lost to time, or the worst anti-theft protection ever.

Antakya teaches us that peace between different peoples can exist, as long as most of said peoples leave or at least avoid attention. Either that, or there is just something about the birds they aren't telling us.

The Secular Deification

2009-11-10T17:00:00.011+02:00

Fame can be earned in many different ways, from appearing in a few movies to “forgetting” to wear pants when you leave the house that one time. But if you want the type of recognition that comes with your portrait in every office, your statue in every park and your face on all the money, you have to either stage a coup in Africa or found a republic in

Turkey

’s founding-father, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, enjoys a level of celebrity that would make even veteran Hollywood jealous, and seven decades of death have yet to diminish it.

And every November 10^th, at exactly 9:05, Turks commemorate his passing by honking vigorously on their drive to work before returning to their daily honking at traffic to remind it to move.

An Ottoman officer who became “the father of all Turks,” (his adopted name, Ataturk, means just that), his feats include:

Liberating the defeated Ottoman empire from post-WWI occupiers
Razing said empire in place of a new modern republic
Replacing the traditional Islamic lifestyle with a secular Western one
Being voted Mr. Turkey for nearly nine decades running

Plus all these were accomplished before his 50^th birthday, at an age when most people debate whether they should pad their CV with that one weekend of Microsoft Office certification.

“I see you’ve done a year of model United Nations… we might be able to get you a statue for that.”

All of which makes expressing the proper amount of gratitude difficult; one can never tell what to get a man who liberates the country from a restrictive ideology (Islam) and an omnipresent paternalistic care-taker (the sultan), thank you cards just haven’t come that far yet.

Some might suggest a more intangible appreciation, such as Turks embodying Ataturk’s progressivism in a state that evolves alongside the modern world. But the vast majority instead went in another direction, probably because making infallible doctrine out of Kemalism and expecting all properly revere Ataturk just screams “I love you more.”

So while Kemalists debate the “politicization of religion” and its nascent threat to Ataturk’s values, they ignore how they’ve managed the “religion-ization of politics.” But followers will be followers, regardless of what the leader stood for, as Rudyard Kipling noted in the Disciple:

He that hath a Gospel
To loose upon Mankind,
Though he serve it utterly--
Body, soul and mind--
Though he go to Calvary
Daily for its gain--
It is His Disciple
Shall make his labour vain.
He that hath a Gospel
For all earth to own--
Though he etch it on the steel,
Or carve it on the stone--
Not to be misdoubted
Through the after-days--
It is His Disciple
Shall read it many ways.
It is His Disciple
(Ere Those Bones are dust )
Who shall change the Charter,
Who shall split the Trust--
Amplify distinctions,
Rationalize the Claim;
Preaching that the Master
Would have done the same.
It is His Disciple
Who shall tell us how
Much the Master would have scrapped
Had he lived till now--
What he would have modified
Of what he said before.
It is His Disciple
Shall do this and more....
He that hath a Gospel
Whereby Heaven is won
(Carpenter, or cameleer,
Or Maya's dreaming son ),
Many swords shell pierce Him,
Mingling blood with gall;
But His Own Disciple
Shall wound Him worst of all!

The Israeli Divorce

2009-10-24T15:35:00.013+03:00

Some relationships are born of epic romance (when did it become

Trinidad and Tobago

?), others are the product of a more dramatic animosity-turned-lust (US/UK or Germany/rest of Europe), but sometimes a relationship occurs when two realize “they aren’t getting any younger” and they both seem slightly less crazy than everyone else in the neighborhood. Such was the case with Turkey and Israel.

This ‘desperate spinster’ approach to international relations began soon after the establishment of Israel, with Turkey ignoring the Muslim world and being one of the first to recognize the state in 1949, hoping to impress America and get a cushy NATO job in the process.

But somewhere along the line both countries began realizing just how much they had in common: both secular republics aligned with the West, both enjoyed moonlit strolls on Mediterranean beaches, both had trouble with their neighbors, both liked guns, etc.

After the first few decades of courtship there comes a time in relationships when one has a simple choice: either leave or get on your knee and propose a strategic military partnership, and in 1996 Turkey and Israel tied the knot. The secular Turkish military got to not only intimidate hostile neighbors but also the recently-elected Islamist party, and in return Israel got to tell Muslim jokes* without seeming racist.

But much has changed since ’96, the most striking being the military’s diminished relevance under a popular conservative government and improved relations with neighbors (once dangerous threats, we now have weekly protocol-signing parties with Syria, Armenia, Iran, Iraq, and Greece).

Even the best strategic military partnerships can go sour, yet breakups are often difficult and always awkward. But it wasn’t until the 21^st century that Turkish foreign policy came up with the easiest method of breaking up, a method that has been used by college males for centuries, the “act like an asshole until they dump you” approach.

Guide to breaking up with someone (or Israel)

Send mixed signals

Since 2004

Turkey

has been increasingly vocal about condemning Israeli assassinations and Gaza incursions as terrorist acts, immediately followed by statements about how close the two countries are. This tradition has kept up since 1967, when

Turkey

joined the Muslim world in denouncing

Israel

for the Six-Day War yet abstained from signing a clause calling it an “aggressor state.”

Invite over friends they can’t stand

Turkey

invited over Hamas in 2006 and Ahmadinejad in 2008, neither of whom

Israel

likes very much, even though both take off their shoes before they come inside.

Don’t invite them out to play

Earlier this month, Turkey uninvited Israel from a joint annual air force exercise that has been taking place since 2001, all while muttering something about “needing its own airspace.”

Get irritated at things that used to not bother you

After a while, things you once found cute like the urge to bomb, start irritating you: just this January, Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan went off on Israeli President Peres at an economic summit over the latest Gaza incursion, saying he “knew how to kill” and how he just didn’t know Peres anymore.

Make a television program suggesting they murder children

Last week Turkish public television broadcast a new show about a love story taking place in Gaza depicting Israeli soldiers as villains from a Tarantino film.

Because saying “I see you as the type of person who would shoot little girls” is still a better way to break up than “it’s not you, it’s me”

Many see this as a sign of rising anti-Israeli sentiment, though considering how Arabs keep buying the sappy soap operas that bomb at home, it could just be an attempt to corner the market.

Even if you follow all these steps, it is impossible to avoid some animosity in any breakup, and sometimes all you can hope for afterwards is they don’t make fun of your bedroom skills at the next UN General Assembly.

*God calls before him Moses, Jesus and Mohammed, telling them they are to chronologically pick the women of their congregation. Moses steps up, says “I want the smartest ones,” and all the smart ones leave with him. Jesus steps up, “I want the prettiest ones,” and all the pretty ones leave with him. Mohammed looks at what is left, sighs, and says “cover up, cover up.”

The Street Protest

2009-10-15T13:25:00.014+03:00

Given free time, Turks prefer spending it either outside or socializing with people who agree with them. The best days are ones you combine both and nothing quite combines the beauty of "outdoors" with the kinship of "having your mob dispersed by tear gas" as well as a public protest.

Last week the streets of Istanbul were full of cheer as many teary-eyed residents took to the streets on Tuesday and Wednesday to protest the annual meeting of the International Monetary Fund; young people pointed out the flaws of globalization with graphic depictions of rocks thrown through bank windows while the police were able to offer their own rebuttals via water-cannons and arrests.

Granted, whether the cause is ending globalization or just free pizza, convincing young people to break things is not difficult, but street protests have become such an integral part of Turkish culture they can emerge for any number of reasons from "government action/inaction" to "your team losing a game" and sometimes even "having nothing better to do on a weekend."

Some of the more popular reasons to take to the streets include (but are not limited to):

Capitalism

The annual International Labor Day protests on May 1st are in much the same anti-imperialist tone as the IMF ones: young people donning their favorite store-bought Che Guevara shirts and marching in a mob until police get bored enough to lob tear gas. Most will disperse to go home and complain about "the Man" while a few stick around to break windows and vandalize trash cans and/or lampposts.

If May 1st or the next IMF meeting is too far off, small gangs of communist protesters wander downtown Istanbul on any given day, chipping away at capitalism by talking amongst themselves.

Islam threatened

Religious Muslims have a near-endless supply of topics to be offended over and almost all of them can be solved by flag-burning.

Just the day before the IMF meetings began, thousands gathered in front of the Israeli consulate to burn Israeli flags as repercussion for the shutting down of the al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem. Israel's Gaza incursion earlier in the year elicited a similar reaction.

Sometimes, usually around when one runs out of flammable Israeli flags, fundamentalists might focus on other countries, like when Turks took to the streets against Denmark and Sweden (links Turkish) over Danish cartoons mocking the Prophet Mohammed.

There are plenty of opportunities to express outrage when the only real limitation is making sure the offending country has enough flags for sale to maintain a decent bonfire, which is why you rarely see Muslims protesting Haiti.

Islam too threatening

The Ataturk Thought Association (named after the revered founder of the republic, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, whose name means "father of all Turks") has remained vigilant in protecting the values of Kemalism (the modern principles the republic was founded on and all Turks must abide by, again named after the founder) by staging massive protests in 2007, 2008 and 2009 against an Islamic administration and its primitive attempts to make citizens unquestioningly follow an all-encompassing ideology handed down by an infallible patriarchal entity. You know... God.

Kemalism has many principles, irony is not one of them.

Secularists: the independent free-thinkers of Turkey

The reasons behind protests are too long to list and can range from police brutality in Greece to headscarves being banned in Turkish universities; the only real limitations are whether the cause "can rhyme in public chant" and "can it fit on a cardboard sign?"

Turks might publicly fume over the underdog of the week, but even we have trouble rallying against places like Kyrgyzstan; a country too hard to pronounce, harder to spell and few have seen a Kyrgyz flag long enough to tell whether it looks flammable or not.

The Cola War

2009-10-06T23:17:00.011+03:00

2003 was a good year for mistrust: between Americans bombing Iraqis, the Chinese spreading SARS and space killing astronauts, it was a time to sit at home and surround yourself with the familiar, preferably on the ground as far away from space as possible (unless you were Iranian and the Earth itself was trying to kill you).

The Iraq war in particular vexed Turks and approval of America dropped from 52 percent in 2000 to 15 percent by the start of the war, a number which hasn’t improved much since. And when annoyed at a superpower, sometimes you just have to hit where it will hurt the most: right in the beverage industry.

Nationalism often demands both a reduction of American market share and a quenching of thirst, and so 2003 saw the birth of a new soft-drink for Turks by Turks: Cola Turka. A cola so Turkish it not only doesn’t bother with English on its website (link very Turkish) but also denies the Armenian genocide for you.

Not pictured: any ‘Coca’… or imperialism

Any advertiser, even the infidel or communist ones, can associate ‘their product’ with ‘attractive young people’ having ‘fun,’ but Cola Turka wanted to distinguish itself further with ads that would pander to nationalism at best or drag Turkey to war at worst.

Since the message was “Even Americans act Turkish with Cola Turka” and all Westerners pretty much look the same to us, there had to be a way to say “American” in a manner more subtle than having actors hold up valid passports.

Not pictured: passports... subtlety

And if ‘overweight’ and ‘cowboy’ are not enough to convey U.S.A., you can always hire Chevy Chase, because the only thing more American than a fat cowboy is a man named after an American car.

Not pictured: actors with careers since the ‘80s

“Sure, a drink that makes decent God-fearing Turks out of cowboys and Hollywood actors is impressive” you might say, “but can it also end war? Particularly wars I don’t approve of and may or may not be funded by Cola Turka’s main competitor?”

Glad you asked…

Not pictured: Coca-cola executives kicking Iraqi orphans

A sip of Cola Turka is enough to make even the most misguided foreigners see the Turkish point-of-view, a point of view that an American multi-national corporation can never understand.

Provided you ignore the fact that the CEO of Coca-Cola is also a Turk.

The Ottoman Funeral

2009-09-30T21:02:00.007+03:00

Ertugrul Osman Osmanoglu died last week. For the unfamiliar, this was a man ambitious enough to be born the grandson of a former Ottoman sultan, yet circumstances like the abolition of the throne in 1922 and his family’s exile in 1924 kept him from ever enjoying sultan-hood.

Of course, by the 20^th century Ottoman emperors spent most their time losing wars and trying to find where they misplaced all that money. Still, Ertugrul Osman would have been able to enjoy such imperial titles as “Khan of both lands and seas” and “Custodian of the holy cities” which to this day, is still the only custodial position that actually works with the ladies.

Turks quickly shed any interest in monarchs with the republic in 1923, instead shifting their idolization to the founder of the republic, denying generations of citizens from ever witnessing politically irrelevant royalty.

This could have easily been “Prince Osman VIII’s Yacht Party of Sin”

Meanwhile the Ottoman heirs settled for modest lives in exile and the occasional exclusive about their landlord troubles, a fate Europeans wouldn’t inflict on any but the most inconsequential barons or viscounts. Ertugrul Osman’s predecessor had only seven attendees at his 1994 funeral in France (link Turkish), several of whom were Tunisians picked up off the street.

Yet Friday’s funeral for the ‘last Ottoman’ was unusual not just because of the service at an imperial-era mosque in Istanbul or because he was buried in his grandfathers’ imperial tomb, but because throngs of Turks arrived and not just to get time off on a workday.

And so there are many different interpretations of what exactly has changed in the past 15 years:

The Pessimistic

The Ottoman sultan was not just the leader of the empire but also the leader of Islam (the Caliph).

When a mob of religious fundamentalists clamor to touch the casket (link Turkish) of someone who represents an abolished Caliphate, this might be a good time to purchase Qur’an futures and invest in headscarves.

The Optimistic

Some headlines declared “The way we see the Ottomans has changed” and “A mature republic has gotten over its Ottoman complex” (links Turkish).

Turks have traditionally been very selective with what history we praise (see: any time we won) and what we ignore (see: times we lost, Armenians, that Friday night we drank a fifth of bourbon), and now we are learning to come to terms with the past.

The Rabid

The Ottoman era reminds some of a time Turks dictated their own terms instead of having a bunch of pasty Europeans shame and/or bore us into behaving like them like today. This interpretation assumes the last two-hundred years of the empire never occurred.

The People Who Get Their News Three Months Late

Some were no doubt disappointed the ‘King of Pop’ had not requested to be buried in Istanbul.

The Realistic

In the end, touching the casket of a royal is the next best thing to seeing your sovereign in boxers on the cover of a tabloid.

The Sugar Holiday

2009-09-24T00:50:00.006+03:00

Sunday marked the start of the Ramazan Bayrami (“Ramadan Holiday”), or Eid al-Fitr: a three-day celebration marking the end of Ramazan where Muslims the world over make up for a month of fasting and being nice by gorging themselves and being a little too festive.

Whether a Turk has fasted or not, a three-day national holiday is cause enough for celebration. Unless of course, the lunar calendar shifts the holiday forward that year and two of those three days come on a weekend in which case you curse the moon and go back to work.

After an Eid prayer at the mosque, the average Turk has a big breakfast, puts on their best clothes and gets in the family car for the customary traffic accident. Most people spend their Eid visiting relatives or going on vacation, both of which seem to require driving and ignorance of physics.

But Turkish Eid is more than just driving into other cars; when people do finally get to their relatives (the older the relative the better), children get a chance to wish them holiday greetings and the elderly get a chance to bribe their grandchildren with money or candy (hence why the holiday is also called “the Holiday of Sweets”).

In fact, children will visit neighbors, shopkeepers and anybody else that looks employed and offer their holiday greeting services in exchange for candy until the streets are filled with holiday cheer and tiny outstretched hands. Meanwhile, the adults are preparing big feasts for the family, giving to charity and shopping (even extremely un-Muslim IKEA released “A very Mubarak Eid” brochure). In a way, Eid is somewhere between the Muslim version of “Halloween,” the Muslim version of “Christmas,” and whatever Western holiday has a lot of car wrecks… possibly “Happy Hour.”

And if you are ever in Turkey during Eid and some children come up to wish you a happy Bayram, give them your money and candy as quickly as possible. Stalling on the side of the road is the surefire way to get their parents to drive into you.

The Coup Cycle

2009-09-13T00:36:00.003+03:00

Sometimes when a general loves his country very, very much, he has to do things the country might not like. All the general wants is what is best for his little baby and, like a stern but loving father, sometimes has to put a gun to his little cupcake’s head.

Yesterday was the 29^th anniversary of the 1980 coup d'état, where the military took control of the state on the grounds that the government had been unable to curb mass-violence between left and right wing organizations (which the military had been fuelling), then proceeded to detain, blacklist, torture (links Turkish) and kill hundreds of thousands of citizens including political party leaders and… wait, the story is too convoluted to explain without a flowchart. You can use this flowchart to explain pretty much all of Turkey’s coups.

Staging coups still the best way to impress one’s friends in Turkey

Since 1980 there have been stern warnings, like the military dissolving the ruling party in 1997 because it was going through a “religious phase” and an e-coup in 2007 when the army finally figured out how to get that dang computer to work, but the people have been far less tolerant of an outright coup.

Turks may still have yet to confront the generals of 1980 but at least we have learned that sometimes, an army can love too much.

The Istanbul Flood

2009-09-11T00:04:00.007+03:00

Istanbul’s weather was a hit with the international media this week with “Flooding kills 31 in Turkey,” “Heaviest rains in 80 years...,” “‘Once in a century’ downpour...,” “... govt under fire,” “I stanbul mayor promises reform after deadly floods” all implying a high degree of precipitation. Meanwhile the Turkish press released numerous photos that looked like someone drove a bus into a river.

And the media attention is well-deserved: floods are one of the most camera-friendly natural disasters for the sheer number of suffering that can fit into a single shot (right after earthquakes and Africa). Yet most of Istanbul was too busy under the sun to witness the city sinking into the sea.

Admittedly, there was the occasional city-wide “menacing” overcast, but nothing to justify the steady stream of death and destruction talked about in the media. Tens did die and certain areas suffered tens of millions of dollars in damage, but the damage was mostly restricted to the relative outskirts of town.

About a 45 minute drive, or a 3 hour swim, from downtown Istanbul

Yet even if the majority of Istanbulites weren’t experiencing the downpour, the ample media coverage did provide Turks with several of their favorite pastimes:

Anticipating imminent threat; whether this be armed neighbors or condensed water vapor, everybody wants a piece of Turkey.

Playing the blame game; immediately after the flooding began, the main opposition party leader demanded the Istanbul mayor, a member of the ruling party, resign. Also, many have traced the flood-prone residential zoning to back when the current Prime Minister was the mayor of Istanbul. If there is a problem, someone must be responsible, unless they are your friend.

One-upping Greeks; Greco-Turkish competition has bordered on enmity at worst and rivalry at best, and with wildfires in Athens just two weeks prior, Turkey was able to upstage its neighbor with an even more picturesque flood. This was most likely payback for the time Athens tried to have an earthquake two weeks after our 7.6 in Izmit (though they only managed a 6.0).

So it wasn’t really a case of the media blowing the floods out of proportion, but floating Turks always provide good entertainment on a slow news week.

The Army Day

2009-09-02T23:28:00.013+03:00

Armies have it rough: criticized for being too expensive during peace, too violent during war and occasionally investigated for coup-related activities, an army can sometimes feel a little under-appreciated. Which is why last Sunday Turkey celebrated its 87^th Victory and Armed Forces Day, essentially a birthday party for the military if birthday parties had less cake and everyone had to dress the same.

August 30^th is actually the anniversary of the final decisive battle against Greece in the Turkish war of independence, but somewhere along the line it became less about scoffing at Greece and more about ostentatious displays of military might.

Military parades marched through every Turkish city providing grateful citizens an opportunity to express, no matter how many officers we keep indicting for treason, how the army will always be in our hearts and hopefully, not driving tanks through our living rooms.

The M60A3 corners well enough to get around even the most ill-positioned sofas

Having defeated foreign occupiers, established a republic, staged coups whenever “elections” undermined “the republic” and convinced Turks neighbors would pounce any second, the military has traditionally been highly revered. But recent years have seen the sacred institution come under scrutiny over both an alleged plot paving the way for another coup and questions whether “democracy” and “meddling army” were ever really compatible.

And so the army went all out this year, with bigger parades, all 60 units being represented in the capital for the first time (in previous years only 4 would be) and even multimedia CDs and booklets showcasing military might distributed to the audience. There was even a new slogan, “Güçlü Ordu, Güçlü Türkiye” (Strong Army, Strong Turkey) which became the official slogan of the festivities and adorned billboards throughout the country.

But no matter how much the military spent on this PR-blitz and/or open threat, all the billboards and CDs where just not enough for some like Etyen Mahçupyan in today’s Taraf newspaper (link Turkish):

“On the way out of Bodrum, there was a giant billboard: ‘Strong Army, Strong Turkey.’ Turns out this was a cliché they came up for August 30^th… One hesitates upon first reading, it is hard to choose which one…”

Which just goes to show how unappreciated the life of an army can be. So next time the military comes knocking for a little respect, the least you can do is push the sofas off to the side to make room for the tank.

The Ramazan Ads

2009-08-27T22:56:00.009+03:00

Ramazan is one of the most important religious observances in Islam which is why, much like Christmas, advertisers have managed to milk every last drop of sentiment possible.

Turkish commercials are rarely risqué, usually showing young people goofing around or housewives accosted on the street about their detergent preferences, but the possibility the product might lead to sex is never entirely dismissed (why else would you need clean sheets?). Such is not the case with Ramazan ads, which instead follow a specific formula as far removed from sex as Santa Claus.

So… Christmas is about a fat man and his harem?

This formula is set in stone and must abide by at least two or more of the conventions listed below:

Family dinner

The most important part of the Ramazan fast is the part when you can eat again, and so all ads incorporate food, even if they are pitching flavored food-like substances.

Notice the most important part is not the food itself but how iftar dinners bring together families, coworkers and friends. The message here is, “People might come together for the feast, but they get along because of the product. Any other product leads to fighting and might give grandpa a heart attack.”

Bonus theme: If a table is being prepared at home, it is important to have the women do everything. This is part of a national policy to lower the standard for male domesticity to the point where Turkish women orgasm if they ever see a man setting a table.

Inter-generational love

Ramazan is a month of family togetherness, and the easiest way to relate that on film is by making young and old people interact. Ideally, a photogenic child should be doing something adorable enough to soften up a stern grandparent.

Having children and seniors enjoying each other’s company serves to reinforce the idea that your product is magic.

Mosques

You should put a mosque in the background (or at least a cardboard cutout), to remind viewers this is a Ramazan ad and not just someone accosting a housewife in her kitchen about her margarine preferences.

This ad is nearly thirty years old, proof that Ramazan advertising is a time-honored tradition that hasn’t changed since the ancient times or at least the 1970s.

Shared tradition
If one feasting family sells your product, then multiple families should sell even more. Spread these families out over various locations and you’re implying we are really all one big family united by shared belief and a commercial product.

Bonus theme: If your ad requires you to shoot in locations like Manhattan that don’t have picturesque mosques strewn around, you can substitute Middle Eastern melodies instead. In fact, most Ramazan commercials will feature gentle Middle Eastern music as an ad with techno or metal would most likely break your fast prematurely.

Being nice
Ramazan is about being nice: nice to family, nice to neighbors, nice to strangers. If your ad cannot attain a level of saccharine reserved for children’s educational programs and Hello Kitty products, it might be considered too edgy for Ramazan.

The baby spends the whole ad surprised over his father not honking, his brother helping the grandparents with groceries and just generally how nice everyone is. Towards the end he “wishes everyone behaved like they do this month,” which offers a tragic glimpse into the living hell he must witness during the other 11 months.

The more themes you combine, the more your product will sell. If you come up with an ad where adorable twin boys help an elderly man into a mosque amidst Middle-eastern music then ran home as their grandmother brought plates to the family dinner table, you could even sell sand in the desert and people would buy it.
And for those who might say that there is no room for commerce in religious affairs, they seem to forget Mohammed was a merchant long before he talked to God.

The Holy Month

2009-08-22T22:32:00.015+03:00

“Ramadan is the month during which the Quran was revealed, providing guidance for the people, clear teachings, and the statute book. Those of you who witness this month shall fast therein.” – (Qur’an, 2:185)

Ramazan (Turkish for Ramadan) starts today, kicking off a month of fasting and religious sentiment where even white Turks remember they are Muslims.

Fasting during the month of Ramazan is a fundamental tenet of Islam where a person must abstain from food, beverages, cigarettes and sex from sunrise to sunset, all while reminding everyone they aren’t eating, drinking, smoking or having sex from sunrise to sunset. Typically, one wakes up before dawn for breakfast (sahur) then resumes their regular daily activities until a feast at sunset (iftar).

Fasting during Ramazan is compulsory in Islam, but in Turkey where religion is not obligatory, the month has developed into something that would both disappoint the devout in other Muslim countries while still remaining “exotic” enough to creep out Europeans.

Sin-postponement

In Turkey alcohol and sex are legal, even though the Qur’an places them somewhere around theft and Christianity as things to never do.

Just looking at this picture during Ramazan makes angels cry

Many Turks carry on with their sin-filled lives, though most try to be a bit more discreet and respectful as it is considered poor taste to have fun near someone being religious.

Regardless of whether they fast or not, most try to curb their vices during the month or at least get as many out of the way beforehand. It is not uncommon for someone to solicit a prostitute in preparation for a month without pornography or binge-drink to make up for a month of being nice to your family. Ramazan is all about sacrifice.

Ramazan Drummers

Dawn is really early (4.30am this Ramazan) and fasters have to wake up a couple hours earlier to eat their sahur breakfast. As roosters are notoriously inept at religious affairs, the Muslim world evolved the Ramazan drummer: males volunteering to wander the streets beating drums waking up faster and non-faster alike, then dropping by homes during the day asking for tips.

Surprisingly, grown men beating drums outside your window seemed redundant after the invention of the alarm clock and many districts have banned the practice and some concerned citizens have even began shooting them. Turkish Ramazan drumming is a tradition that might not stick around once every home has an alarm clock, or once we kill all the drummers.

Fast-breakers

Fasters are very concerned that something might accidentally invalidate their fasts and so the government maintains a comprehensive FAQ asking such questions as whether one can have “wet dreams,” bathe or use perfum e while fasting, to which the state-theologians’ respond, “just don’t swallow it.”

Meanwhile, the media is wheeling out experts each year to provide some hard-hitting answers, like if its okay to end your fast at iftar with sex or alcohol or whether lipstick, nicotine patches or seeing girls in bikinis break your fast (yes, no and “only if you stare” respectively, links Turkish).

Mosque Lights

Unlike the drummers which can be seen in Muslim communitie s throughout the world, Mahya is a uniquely Turkish practice. For nearly 400 years, lights have been strung up between the minarets of mosques offering inspirational and uplifting messages in honor of Ramazan, like “Greetings oh Month of Ramazan,” “the Sultan of the Eleven months” and “Fast and be healthy.”

Because really, not fulfilling God’s orders might warrant His anger, but forgetting which month you are in just earns His derision.

The Sexy Geologist

2009-08-20T22:03:00.005+03:00

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the Izmit earthquake. One of the worst disasters in Turkish history, it not only killed 17,000 but also spurred an industry of sob stories and doomsday prophecies.

Earthquakes have always been a part of Anatolia’s history: as far back as 4th century BC entire cities were being levelled, like the Ionian (fancy word for Greek) city of Priene. So common were earthquakes, the Greeks decided to save time by just erecting ruins instead, many of which are still standing today.

In any given month Turkey suffers hundreds of earthquakes, most too sensitive to detect without powerful equipment or powerful drugs, but the Izmit earthquake was particularly memorable with ample suffering to cover. By the tenth anniversary the media had plenty of material for stories like “10th year of the great pain,” “Accounts of those who witnessed ‘that pain’,” “Lives ruined by the earthquake,” (links Turkish).

The other lesson the Izmit earthquake taught, besides that people don’t like having their houses fall on them, was that every segment along the north Anatolian fault breaks over the course of several centuries (see below), and the only part that hadn’t broken was under Istanbul; Istanbul was due for a major earthquake at any moment.

Experts put the likelihood of a major Istanbul earthquake (link Turkish) in the next thirty years at 62 percent, and in the next fifty years at 90 percent. And so an industry of geologist-prophets emerged warning of the earthquakes imminence and how bad Istanbul was going to suffer: between 20 thousand and 90 thousand fatalities and at best 50,000 destroyed buildings (links Turkish).

Seismologist Prof. Ahmet Mete Işıkara (right), head of the main earthquake research institute in 1999 (and so comforting he was declared the sexiest man in Turkey [link Turkish]), has predicted Istanbul was at risk of an earthquake in 2000, 2004 and 2005, 2006. Currently, his estimate is either before 2010 or, if not, between 2010 and 2014, and also expresses “concern that nothing has happened since 2003” (links Turkish). Sure the people listen, but no one really does anything about it.

The situation is quite similar to California’s anticipation of the “The Big One,” an earthquake that is supposed to devastate major population centers and is talked about frequently, but still has yet to come. Being California they’ve even made a movie, The Big One: the Great Los Angeles Earthquake, where a seismologist played by Joanna Kerns (left) tries to warn city leaders of an imminent earthquake and is promptly ignored, probably because noone declared her “the sexiest man in Turkey.”

So millions will continue to live in Istanbul and Los Angeles, fully expecting the eartquake, meanwhile seismologists will keep on monitoring the earth with the hope of attaining the highest honor a scientist can acheive, the right to tell the people “I told you so.”

The Conspiracy Theory Pt.1

2009-08-10T14:15:00.012+03:00

Drama is interesting, underdog stories are exciting, and both are staples of the Turkish imagination. But combine the two into a tenuous conspiracy pitting an evil authority against an innocent population and you’ll win over Turkish minds.

For those who have never heard of John F. Kennedy or the Jews, conspiracy theories argue that evil clandestine networks manipulate the lives of everyday people, and it is only the theorist who can uncover them, or at least rant angrily about them on the internet.

So secretive are these networks and so intricate their plots, one cannot actually prove they don’t exist; and Turks just can’t resist the certainty of being right with the inability to be proven wrong.

Seeking ulterior motives behind minor details is a pastime in the mid-east; the region was once run by the Byzantine Empire, a word that has become synonymous with elaborate scheming and intrigue.

While Turks enjoy some of the world’s more popular conspiracy theories, like Freemasons or how America controls everything, there are quite a few evil networks indigenous to Turkey.

In this installment, let us introduce some of the most popular religious conspiracies:

Sabbataists: Sabbatai Zevi amassed many followers as the Jewish Messiah in the 17th century Ottoman Empire until he converted to Islam under the Sultan’s ‘produce a miracle, die, or accept Islam’ policy towards prophets. Some contend his followers didn’t really convert but instead continued their lifestyles underground. Now these “ex-Jews” control everything in Turkey and yet we still keep disappointing our mothers.
Missionaries: “Covering Turkey like a spider’s web,” Christian missionaries trick and bribe Muslims to take over (link Turkish) Anatolia for Christendom, most likely because Christians are running out of space in their own countries what with all the Muslim immigration.
Fettulahists: Turkish Muslim leader Fettullah Gülen runs a vast international network of followers who have infiltrated every institution in Turkey. These followers are all sleeper agents waiting to topple the secular republic and establish Islamic rule the second Fettullah issues the order, probably from an island shaped like a skull. His occasional sermon preaching “you must move in the arteries of the system without anyone noticing your existence until you reach all the power centers…” doesn’t calm suspicions, especially since he delivers them while laughing diabolically and stroking a cat.

With so many secret plots to destroy

Turkey

, our only option is to call James Bond, if only the British weren’t trying to secretly take over

Turkey

as well.

The Military Service

2009-07-30T21:07:00.007+03:00

Some armies secure the interests of their citizens, others stage colorful coups (South America), sell multi-function knives (Switzerland) or even provide Americans with jokes (France), but all armies serve their country. Turkey, on the other hand, serves its army.

In fact, the Turks have had an army (est. 209 BC [link Turkish]) far before a country (est. 1923 AD or, if you count the Ottomans, 1299 AD), and the Turkish army likes to remind everyone who exactly established the republic (they did), why the army is so great (guns) and how some words just hurt their feelings (insulting the army is a crime).

Past military victories are a source of pride and proof of manliness (the archaic Turkic word for weapon, yarak, is now slang for penis in what Freud calls “a field day”). Defeats are brushed aside in the manliest way possible, with one 18th century document arguing, “The superior skill of the Austrian lies only in the use of the musket. They cannot face the sword.” Today’s more ‘enlightened’ grunt consoles himself knowing he could ‘take on America’ if they ‘used guns’ instead of ‘sticking to the skies’ like ‘cowards.’

But pride in the army never kept Turkish men from avoiding obligatory military service as long as possible; it is seen as one of those chores to “get out of the way” like paying taxes or feeding the baby that if you don’t do, guys in uniforms come and punch you.

It is possible to postpone conscription by enrolling in graduate studies (men here collect half-finished graduate degrees like stamps) or going to jail. You can also prevent conscription altogether by having a terminal illness, like homosexuality, as the dying and the gay aren’t “real” men (Though the mentally disabled are conscripted for a day amidst fanfare lest they feel “less than a man” or, God forbid, like a woman).

But eventually most men, fresh out of prison or their third masters program, will go on to serve their country where they will don uniforms, swear in, and immediately begin counting down days and complaining.

In fact, as few actually see combat, the main activity on base is complaining, followed by smoking cigarettes, eating sunflower seeds, picking cigarette butts off the ground, cleaning toilets, sweeping sunflower shells under artillery, wiping windows, carrying stuff, etc.

But Turkey has a reason behind spending billions each year on an army of janitors: the military is the final destination in a Turkish male’s education. There he learns that no matter who he is and what he accomplishes in life, he will always be a soldier first and a citizen second… and also to bring swords in case there are any Austrians hanging around.

The Double Think

2009-07-21T02:42:00.024+03:00

Turks have developed many skills to get through day-to-day life: from dodging cars to swerving to avoid pedestrians, none have been as useful as doublethink, a phrase coined by George Orwell in the novel 1984:

“The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.”

Doublethink is the preferred means of ensuring you win every argument; while it is easy to learn, it is very difficult to master. Below is a guide to what is and what isn’t doublethink:

You are the leader of a country that has denied allegations of genocide for decades. You have personally presided over the country’s dismissal of Canadian, French and American charges of genocide.

Then you hear of a Chinese crackdown on a minority that shares common ancestry with your citizens.

Regularthink: Avoid bringing up the complicated relationship between a state and its minorities, but cater to both Chinese economic interests and domestic nationalism by purchasing Moo Shu pork and smashing it with a locally-made hammer.

Doublethink: Declare the affair tantamount to “genocide;” a phrase that has ironically become as common a political pander in your country as sex is in the West (see right).

You have campaigned for greater international involvement in ending the conflict in Gaza, a cause you feel so passionately about you have accused the Israeli president of “knowing how to kill well.”

Meanwhile, the International Criminal Court issues an arrest warrant over genocide for Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir.

Regularthink: Avoid putting your recent investments in Sudan at risk by denying you have ever heard of the country and if anyone brings it up, change the topic to how well the Israeli president kills.

Doublethink: Disregard international consensus and invite Bashir, giving him the red carpet treatment.

Inter-ethnic violence in Cyprus resulted in your country invading in 1974 to assist Cypriots of your own ethnicity in establishing their own state on the grounds all people have a right to govern themselves to escape oppression.

Meanwhile, your country has engaged in armed conflict for the past thirty years with Kurdish separatists demanding their own state.

Regularthink: It pretty much “sucks to be Kurdish.”

Doublethink: Disregard Kurdish concerns on the grounds that sovereign nations cannot be broken up and divided.

Turkish foreign policy might seem opportunistic to those who think, but it sure makes sense to those of us who are able to think double.

The Summer Resort

2009-07-15T23:45:00.022+03:00

Good Turks find random excuses to spend sunny days outside, better ones summer by the sea.

The southwest is dotted with coastal towns catering to Turks’ desire for sun, sea and incessant need to talk about how great the sun and sea are/were/will be. So popular are vacations down south, major cities empty out as those with disposable income flock to the holiday towns.

Turks begin sharing their need for a vacation with coworkers, neighbors, supermarket staff and anyone else in earshot in increasingly impatient terms weeks before departure. Once the date arrives, they head south and almost immediately run out of money as resort town taxis charge ridiculous fares to make up for getting business only 3 months a year.

Vacations are either taken with a group of friends/relatives at someone’s house or, for those unfortunate enough to not have befriended a Turk with a summer home, hotels/hostels. The Turks who themselves own homes in a resort develop a zealous loyalty to the particular town others normally reservefor firstborns and religions. They'll eventually invite you as long as you make sure to nod approvingly as they talk about the greatness of their beaches and nightlife.

Another popular summer activity is making fun of the tourists who frequent these summer resorts (while simultaneously boasting about how frequently visited Turkey is: over 26 million in 2008!!!). With a Mediterranean climate but still significantly cheaper than more well-known southern European hotspots, Turkey has become a popular destination for the “budget-conscious” traveler, tourism-speak for “obnoxious” traveler or “Euro-trash” for short.

While some visit Turkey quietly, like the Japanese who stick to taking pictures next to historic rubble or the Israelis who aren't around anymore after we insulted their President, others just shame their countrymen: the British, Germans or Russians (Americans, while embarrassing enough, tend not to visit much as they are unsure whether Turkey is a bird or an Islamic theocracy).

Just bring up how the Brits are pasty, drunk, loud and covered tattoos, how the Germans are pasty, drunk and don’t know English, or how the Russians are pasty, drunk and tacky (and with karaoke that kills local plant-life), and you’ll have made new Turkish friends in no time.

Just make sure to ask if they have a summer home first.

The Gay Right

2009-07-10T20:39:00.010+03:00

Turkish machismo has been well-documented from Pope-shootings to football stabbings, dangerous seductions and even internet memes; masculinity is one of the defining characteristics of Turkey, a little behind camels but before Camel cigarettes (though neither are Turkish).

Here, ‘manliness’ is next to ‘godliness’ (more so than cleanliness) and renouncing masculinity is a shameful act dared only by the lowest rungs of the social ladder: women, your rival football team’s fans, and homosexuals.

The gay community* has it particularly rough, with 76 percent public disapproval, homosexuals discouraged from working in fields outside of fashion or entertainment, gay rights groups threatened, and the easiest way out of compulsory military service being a boyfriend.

The best efforts of the gay community (including annual awards [link Turkish] given to the most homophobic people, institutions, television programs and Popes) have not been enough to shift Turkish sympathies, eliciting much criticism from the West.

But Turkey is not as gay-intolerant as many outside observers claim, and can actually be a very inadvertently gay-friendly destination:

Turkey boasts a long tradition of ambiguously gay pop-singers, disastrously-aged divas and even famous transsexuals who get into public spats with the army.
Speaking of music, most modern Turkish pop consists of the same repetitive electronic dance music popular in gay clubs and Europe.
Most Turkish men prefer socializing with men over women; they spend all day sitting in smoky all-male cafes, drink raki with large groups of men, walk down the street arm-in-arm with their buddies, beat up anyone who questions their masculinity with other men, etc.
Turkey has lots and lots of ancient Greek ruins; everyone knows what went on in them back in the day.
As a peninsula Turkey has many beaches, some of which still tolerate Speedos.
It’s not really gay if you are on top, and definitely not if you didn’t know she had a penis.
This has been our national sport for nearly seven centuries:

This past weekend was the 648^th annual Kırkpınar oil wrestling finals. Men cover themselves in olive oil, push and reach in each others’ pants to subdue their opponent. For some reason, only foreigners seem to notice the homo-eroticism.

Really, Turks have no problem how “gay” the culture is, just as long as nobody calls it “gay.”

* “Gay community” here refers to homosexual males; lesbians don’t count as they are shamed enough being born women.

The Politically Incorrect

2009-07-04T12:51:00.013+03:00

Turkey is the land where political correctness comes to die; where stereotypes roam the streets committing stereotypical acts that make non-stereotypes blush.

Bear in mind, political incorrectness is different than hate speech: instead of inciting violence against a particular group, it serves to remind everyone why that group can’t seem to do anything right.

For a population whose desire to be accepted by Europe is hindered by Europeans’ own prejudices, Turkish insensitivity might seem ironic. It is not that Turkish insensitivity is universal: a pop star was once taken to court for popping a balloon bearing a Turkish flag by an overly concerned citizen (link Turkish).

But the tolerance and respect afforded balloons is often lost on many non-Turks, at least according to the European Commission against Racism and Intolerance’s Third Report on Turkey:

“...intolerant remarks are sometimes made in public, including by political leaders and prominent public figures. The targets of these remarks vary according to the circumstances but recently, Armenians, Jews, Greeks and Kurds have attracted intolerant comments…”

Jewish cowardice, Christian horniness, Kurdish backwardness or Arabic stupidity come up often in day-to-day phrases, but one doesn't create international controversy by limiting oneself to making just your own minorities feel uncomfortable.

No, Turkey has had to branch out, from films about Chinese investors who stir up small towns to black footballers (or people of African decent in general) who supposedly practice cannibalism, or even this video of an announcer taking the Turkish phrase “isteyenin bir yüzü, vermeyenin iki yüzü kara” (Asking darkens ones face once, not giving darkens it twice) a bit too far:

The reporter here is calling for mutual respect from Obama. In his defense, Turkey never had the complicated white-black relations of the West, so blackface is not seen as offensive; at least until the second video where he eats fried chicken and watermelon.

Of course, political correctness is often criticized in the West for hindering free speech, and if anything, Turks prove daily they are the freest speakers of all.

The Lion's Milk

2009-07-01T03:38:00.005+03:00

From “beer” in Germany and “sake” in Japan to “mouthwash” in prison, many cultures have their own unique drink. In Turkey it is raki; colloquially known as lion’s milk because it not only puts hair on your chest, but is also a reason for sleeping 18 hours a day while your wife catches food.

Raki is a strong spirit that is usually mixed with water turning it white (hence the “milk”). Pretty much identical to Greek Ouzo or Arabic Arak, it tastes of licorice, and based on how one feels about the candy, people either love or hate the drink.

Raki is meant to be enjoyed socially, and while every society has its own drinking etiquette (though most limit theirs to basics like “don’t throw up on the bartender” and “do complain loudly to strangers about your girlfriend”), Turkish raki etiquette takes it a step further by incorporating three essential elements: meze (appetizers), drunken singing and increasingly passionate debates.

Meze

Raki usually accompanies meze: appetizers picked from amongst a large selection that will fill you up long before the main course arrives. To best enjoy the dips and small morsels, discuss casual topics everyone agrees with, from complaining about “the weather” to complaining about “traffic.”

Singing

Raki will induce singing from amongst the Turkish repertoire of songs about love, or longing, or desire or sorrow. They will be sung in a manner to induce melancholy in everyone in at least a three table radius, preferably more.

When drinking raki in public, roaming bands of gypsies will wander tables for tips using their violins/accordions/clarinets to encourage amateur virtuosos. Between bouts of singing, it is best to bring up more involved but still agreeable topics like “how Turkey has changed” and “how you are about to quit your awful job and move to the beach.”

Debate

Eventually, all raki conversations will devolve into a shouting match about politics. Speakers take turns orating “How the country is going down the drain,” “How politicians are idiots” as well as their “solutions,” all to an audience waiting for their turn to speak.

Everyone calmly nods in approval until either the speaker finishes or until they hear something they disagree with. Eventually someone will proclaim “it’s all about education” and everyone, having found a point of agreement, will head home.

Any other way, and you might as well be drinking ouzo.

The God Quiz

2009-06-27T15:57:00.000+03:00

Despite many achievements from creating the universe to ensuring almost all people will hate each other, God has yet to be part of what many in the lowest common denominator of humanity have: game shows.

As nothing pleases God more than renewed relevance (i.e. Noah’s Flood, Christian Rock), the only thing that would get on HIS good side more than a Turkish game show where contestants competed in HIS name, would be if the show was also produced by a famous transsexual being investigated for involvement in an organization trying to violently overthrow parliament.

“Tövbekarlar Yarışıyor” (Penitents Compete), the brainchild of Seyhan “Sisi” Soylu, will feature a rabbi, priest, imam and a Buddhist monk (interesting in that non-Abrahamic faiths are barely recognized in Turkey) all vying to convert ten atheists. The converted and the convertee win not material ills like money, but a holy pilgrimage in an attempt to further anger God (or imbalance your Karma).

Yet, enlightenment should not have to wait for the September broadcast of the program, and for those unsure about which faith is right for them, there is the following questionnaire:

Which path to salvation would you hate the least?

1. How do you feel?

a) Chosen

b) Guilty

c) Angry

d) In an endless cycle of pain

e) Mostly hungover

2. How do you like to drink?

a) Heavily during ceremonies, as long as it’s undrinkably sweet wine

b) A little on Sunday mornings, as long as people call it blood and also serve a side of cracker

c) Never

d) Moderately, as long as it’s not enough to have fun

e) Heavily, as long as the boss is not walking by your desk

3. How would you like your afterlife?

a) A paradise where only the members of my extended family get in

b) A paradise where everybody that agrees with me gets in

c) Water... lots and lots of water... and virgins

d) Life all over again until you get it right

e) A never-ending sleep right after you have cursed out everyone who has ever wronged you

4. What embarrassing people are you willing to be associated with?

a) Hasidic Jews

b) Southern Baptists

c) Most anybody on camera

d) People in orange robes

e) That guy who always brings up a serious debate about religion at parties

5. Where do you like your funny hair?

a) Sideburns

b) Under a cowboy hat

c) Unkempt beard

d) Completely bald

e) Clogging the drain

6. You like your sex...

a) Married

b) Married

c) Married

d) Moderately, as long as it’s not enough to have fun

e) The sort requiring routine clinic visits

7. Women should be...

a) Fun until they have children

b) Fun

c) Covered

d) Hippies seeking spirituality

e) Drunk

8. How do you like your food?

a) Kosher

b) Fattening

c) Halal

d) Vegetarian

e) With wine

9. So if somebody hands you a bacon cheeseburger?

a) Hell no!

b) Ask for another

c) Ask for one without bacon

d) Weep for the fallen animals

e) Change your wine order to beer

10. What offends you the most?

a) Tipping

b) People darker than you

c) Mohammed cartoons

d) Richard Gere

e) Richard Gere

11. When offended do you?

a) Sue

b) Declare preemptive war

c) Burn flags

d) Forgive

e) Trash-talk anonymously on internet comments section

If you answered mostly...

A: Congratulations, you’re a Jew! Much of the world is convinced you control everything, but even if you do, you don’t control enough to keep terrible things from happening to you.

B: Congratulations, you’re a Christian! Your religion not only has the greatest number of most-developed nations, but also the greatest number of nations likely to see the messiah’s face on a piece of toast.

C: Congratulations, you’re a Muslim! Enjoy all the “random” security checks at airports.

D: Congratulations, you’re a Buddhist! You now have to be nice to recent graduates taking a year off to find spirituality in your temple.

E: Congratulations, you’re an Atheist! The only thing getting in the way of you enjoying life to the fullest is your compulsion to convince everyone else how they are delusional fools. And the law.

The Western Focus

2009-06-25T02:35:00.000+03:00

The most popular sight for visitors in Tehran is no bazaar or mausoleum, or even the recognizable Azadi monument, but rather Iranian women (though if you combine both like to the right, you win a Pulitzer).

The elusive Iranian woman, despite making up only half of the Iranian population, has become the darling of the Western press. Her makeup, her dress, her vote, even her Michelle Obama-ness have become the main barometer to judge Iranian reform, even more so than say, times the Supreme Leader decides not to issue a fatwa.

Turkish secularists too argue that a headscarf is a sign of backwardness and the attempt to remove it, embracing modernity. Yet the same cameras that love pictures of Iranian women trying to uncover also give us pictures like this:

The pictures above usually accompany an email titled “the real reason why Turkey lost to Brazil in the 2002 World Cup,” though the real reason was steroids.

And so, Top 5 reasons why the West selectively focuses on similarities with Iran and differences with Turkey:

5. Iran is a religious state oppressing secular-minded people, Turkey a secular state oppressing the religious-minded and dammit, oppressed people just look better on camera

4. Turkey tries hard to be recognized as a Western state, and it’s up to journalists to point out how it isn’t. Iran tries hard to be recognized as crazy, and it’s up to journalists to point out how it isn’t

3. Iran has a Nobel peace prize, Turkey a literature one (Ironically, Iran isn’t too good at peace, Turkey at freedom of expression). Everybody knows peace gets bragging rights over books

2. Every positive article on Iran gets you a 10 percent discount on the purchase of your next Persian rug

1. Oil buys you more friends

The Paternal Democracy

2009-06-19T20:43:00.000+03:00

All week long the Western media covered everything about the Iranian elections from voting to how the election was stolen, how it wasn’t really stolen, protests, photoshopped pro-government rallies, how Iran hates the Western media and even how Arabs are feeling left out.

The Turkish media got in on some of the action too: protests in neighboring countries have been a popular topic in the past, but this week we were busy wondering if our military would overthrow our elected government to save our democracy, pretty much the same way one might burn down their house to prevent possible fires in the future.

On the very same June 12^th as the Iranian elections, liberal daily Taraf, which frequently publishes articles like “minorities bleed too” and “how the army plans to kill you tomorrow,” published a leaked document (link Turkish) about the military’s plans to:

“Reveal the truth about… the Justice and Development Party [the ruling party with 62 percent of the seats in parliament] which aims to replace the secular democratic order with an Islamic state, break their public support and put an end to their activities…”

This more than a year after another similar leaked document by Taraf and less then two months after the army chief publicly praised democracy and assured no toppling of government. This type of thing happens frequently enough that nobody has bothered to change the military’s bi-annual “we love democracy” apology since 1995.

Military interventions have always been a popular pastime in Turkey, with two coups in 1960 and 1980, twice making governments step down in 1971 and 1997, and even an e-coup before the 2007 elections (the next threat of intervention is expected to be only 140 characters and include lots of frowny faces).

There is much fear amongst the secular white Turks (and the army) of a looming Islamic revolution, and Iran is often evoked as an example of a secular state toppled by the religious. The army sees itself as the custodians of the 1923 revolution, obligated to preserve the revolution’s principles, particularly secularism, over all else. In doing so, the army behaves in much the same way as the Iranian Guardian Council, another unelected body with final political say, preserving the principles of its own 1979 revolution, Islam, over all else.

Just as elections don’t necessarily mean democracy in Iran, an elected body under the thumb of an unelected one is no democracy anywhere. Ideally, a state would be confident enough in its founding principles that democracy strengthens, not threatens, it. Whether or not secularism without democracy is worth the trouble, we can hope nobody has to burn down any more houses for it.

The Woman's Program

2009-06-17T02:22:00.000+03:00

In Turkey, ‘women’s program’ is the name given to a specific daytime television format that caters mainly to housewives and the terminally comatose.

Woman’s programs have a simple formula: A female host, light banter, and a studio audience picked for their ability to clap along with anything. Often ridiculed for their lack of substance, this doesn’t stop 84 percent of women from watching.

Which prompts a question: what exactly are these women learning from daytime television?

How to socialize with strangers, boringly

Women’s programs need guests to keep the host from talking about herself for three hours. But they do try to mix it up: the celebrity hosts of Sabahların Sultanı and Herşey Dahil get to sit on a couch to talk while the host of Mavi Şeker (links Turkish) makes up for her lack of fame by standing and being perky.

It doesn’t really matter what is being said, or if there is any conversation at all; most daytime television viewers are happy just seeing shiny movement on screen.

How to Cook/Clean/Furnish

Some shows like Deryalı Günler (link Turkish) focus on “home economics,” the nice way of saying “woman work.” Guests are interviewed while cooking or sharing decorating advice and typical comments include (really) “Coffee stains are a woman’s worst nightmare…” which explains why families spend more a year on detergent than on donations to UNICEF.

How to feign enthusiasm while B-list stars lip-synch

There is always at least one pop-star lip-synching terrible hits for the audience to clap at. A bad host will behave like this is the worst thing that has happened to her since that coffee-stain, the good ones like the first day they learned to remove one.

How to respect the disabled

Beside the singer, there has to also be one eccentric guest, which can be anyone from “astrologer/positive energy expert” to “man who claims he can fly, then literally flips when someone questions his credibility”:

How to look at the brighter side of life

For the dark, brooding housewives, Tatlısert (link Turkish) invites guests to share stories of how their loved ones were murdered or kidnapped or abandoned them, then cry into the cameras.

How to get married out of desperation

Many people in Turkey were not lucky enough to get married for the wrong reasons and as the subtitled clip from spinster dating program Dest-i İzdivaç shows, many of them are willing to share their public shame on television.

So, while each show teaches women different things, their common underlying theme is really the most important lesson of all: “How to maintain the low-standards needed for a happy marriage.”

The Domestic Abuse

2009-06-11T20:55:00.000+03:00

In honor of Turkey becoming the first country ever to receive a slap-on-the-wrist over domestic abuse by the European Court of Human Rights, below are rules on how to handle yourself if you find you are in a fistfight with a woman:

There are many reasons to get in a fistfight with a woman, even though Hollywood only gives us two: “if she’s a superhero” or “if she’s an enemy spy.” If you cannot prove she is either, local authorities also accept “for honor” or “she didn’t love me.”
Considering there is a forty percent domestic abuse rate, if you aren’t dishing it out, you are probably taking it; it’s best to go preemptive on this one.
Most police will consider abuse “an affair to be resolved within the family” rather than “assault” if you are legally married; avoid pesky paperwork by popping the question first.
We have a saying, “Kol kırılır, yen içinde kalır” (The arm breaks, it stays within the sleeve); domestic abuse is one of those public taboos like kinky sex or being fat that are only shameful if it leaves the house. Avoid friends and neighbors and you’ll go through life a “decent” human being.
Also avoid the media: every day there are several stories condemning violence against women. Just today there was one on a woman beaten to death by two men trying to convince her to marry one of them, a woman who was strangled to death for divorcing her husband and an officer who killed his ex-wife and her lawyer over custody (links in Turkish). Save yourself embarrassment by holding your abuse for when Obama delivers a speech or the World Cup finals to avoid becoming a headline.
No firearms! Firearms are what make the difference between an asshole and a psychopath.
Don’t forget your taunts! Most of the world doesn’t consider it abuse, plus spouses with low self-esteem rarely go to the media or to court.
A good death threat has, at the bare minimum, a subject, a predicate and at least 3 exclamation points:

Wrong: Die?
Right: I will run you and your mother over with a car if you leave me!!!!!

Brush your teeth and bathe regularly! One judge in Ankara penalized an abusive husband not just with the standard restraining orders and psychiatric treatment, but also ordered the unhygienic man to routinely groom himself (link Turkish) if he wished to avoid jail.
Beg her not to go to the European Court of Human Rights.

Remember, nothing proves manliness like a good fistfight with a lady, no matter what the UN says.